I’m still trying to recover emotionally from my horrific roundtrip flight to Dallas last weekend. Don’t get me wrong. There were no emergency landings, no hijacker threats. It’s just that Dallas, like most of the South, is a kid-friendly place, and the breeders down there like to fly with their offspring. There were more kids on the plane (coming and going) than there were at a 6-year-old’s party at the local Chucky Cheese’s.
I live in Vegas. Who the hell wants to bring their child to Vegas? We call it Sin City for a reason. It’s not Disney for kids. It’s Disney for Adults. Yet here were all these big-haired mommas from Texas with dirty children attached to their hip, as if they weren’t going to Vegas to gamble, but were going for a spree at Toys R Us.
Children should not fly. It’s bad for my health. They make a lot of noise. They can’t sit still. And let’s be honest. Children smell. They are like cats. They don’t like water. But at least cats lick themselves. I’m watching my cat right now as I write this, Sammy Davis Jr. He’s licking himself. It’s time for his morning bath. He wants to be clean. He’s embarrassed to smell. And best of all, he’s quiet. He knows how to sit still, to be seen and not heard. Oh. My. God. I just realized something: my cat is more polite than your average child. And he’s more polite than your average parent who insists on flying with their brats. Not everyone is using frequent flyer miles. Some of us pay hard cash to be on those flights. And when you bring a kid aboard, it ruins the already bad experience of flying even more. Thanks to kids, flying has become the most expensive inconvenience of all, just short of curing malignant cancer.
It’s an election year. Please some forward-thinking politician, put this ideology on your platform: ban kids from airlines. They belong in day care, not coach.
