Why Online Dating Sucks

It's been awhile since I posted, but I just had to sound in on something going around the Internet. Gawker just posted this on the world's worst person. 

Enjoy, or rather, be disgusted!

Still Working on a Dream

For two weeks, I've been waiting for today. It's the launch of Bruce Springsteen's new album, "Working on a Dream." Rolling Stone gave it four stars. It is highly anticipated and the buzz is that it is his best since "Born to Run." I've heard snippets of every tune and I am frothing at the mouth to hear this CD in full. So I order it from Amazon to arrive today. I pay extra for it to arrive TODAY. Then it rains or something in St. Louis and UPS sends me a cryptic message: "Package delayed due to Exceptions." Okay, that sounds slightly pornographic when taken out of context, and quite ominous. Still, I don't panic till I call UPS and they tell me that Bruce will not arrive today, and he may not arrive tomorrow.

So now I have to go to Virgin, buy the record and the bonus DVD that comes with it, and when my expensive package finally arrives next year, send it back and get a refund.

All a girl wants is her Bruce. Is that asking too much? We are in the middle of a recession, I want a job but can't seem to have one, I want to lose five pounds but can't seem to shed the weight no matter how much cardio I do (old age, thank you), I want Prada, but don't have a job hence no Prada. Can't I at least have my BRUCE?

I do not know how, but somehow George W. Bush is to blame for this one, too.

The Day I've Been Waiting For

Madame Secretary, please go kick ass. The World is waiting. Do your thang, lady.

A W-less World

In just a few days there will be no more W for bloggers and comedians to make fun of or complain about. My God. I'm going to miss that. We had so much fun. I said to my boyfriend last night, after chuckling about a joke David Letterman made about Dick Cheney," I'm sorry, but here's the downside: Joe Biden jokes just are not as funny as Cheney jokes," to which my often-prophetic boyfriend said, "Oh honey, give Joe time."

W and Cheney provided tons of comedic fodder. Maybe Joe will, too, as he can be a bit rough. Then there is Obama; he's one smooth guy, which may work out well from a job standpoint, but as a chuckle-inducer?

Everyone says Obama is so eloquent, an accolade I still do not agree with (his speeches still bore me, shoot me, but there I said it), however, I can count on him to pronounce words correctly as he's, you know, smart. Maybe in his first few days of office he can say "terrorists" funny or mangle "nuclear," just for old time's sake. Or, if he really wants us to wax nostalgic and give us a good laugh he can just, in a press conference, start to say something, then pretend he lost his train of thought and go, 'Ugh," and say "Ugh," a bunch of times.

Of all the laughs I am going to miss having over W, the biggest is that Letterman will no longer show his "Great Moments in Presidential History." Gee. I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking how much I will miss that one. It was a nightly laugh seeing clips of other Presidents make powerful or poetic statements, then we get a clip of W stumbling across a sentence . . . hold on, I'm getting teary-eyed again just thinking of those fun, fun, memories.

In case I get too nostalgic, don't worry, all I have to do is thing of New Orleans. I'll never forget or forgive Katrina. The disaster was not his fault, and the local and state government deserve their share of blame, but for me, it represented our lowest moment in American History. How he won twice is beyond me. But, let me take this opportunity one more time (I'll see if I can squeeze it again before Tuesday) if you voted for W once, much less twice, you owe this country an apology.

Or as W could have said (as it is believable) in a press conference, "You owe the Americas an, ugh. Ugh. You know, an, well you should, ugh, say you're sorry. Apologize. Yeah. That's it. Okay." Cue a smug smile at the camera. Fade out.

Happy New Administration!

Oh Glorious New Year, full of Hope, full of Audacity . . . lacking almost completely in George W. Bush! We are down to the final days of his administration. Good-bye, Condi. Come out, come out and you know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Good-bye Dick. Whadda Dick! Good-bye W, you crossed-eyed arrogant cowboy. I'm not going to miss hating you.

Hello Hillary! My (hopefully) Madame Secretary! It's like your die-hard fans got what they wanted after all. You may not be our President (once more with feeling: sigh) but we still have a Clinton-influenced White House. And I'm loving the rumors that Bill will take over your seat. I don't think it will happen, but it's fun entertaining the thought.

Hello Obama! You weren't my first choice, but you seem to have made all the right moves. I was really angry when you made Biden your VP, but in retrospect, the world needs Hillary as the SoS right now.  Also, can I just say: Whoa. I would not want your  job. Who would? That W has left you one hell of a mess. I wish you the best of luck, because we all need you to have luck. In fact, Luck may be the only thing that saves our butts at this point, thanks to how badly things got screwed up in the last 8 years.

I start every year full of hope and resolution. The resolutions fall away, a reflection of my own personal failures. Sadly, the hope ebbs, too. This year, we have a new start, individually and as a country. As Republicans have pointed out, Hope is not a strategy, but it's a relief to feel hopeful again. So here's hoping to a wonderful, fabulous 2009. If nothing else, Bruce Springsteen has a new CD coming out this month, and that is something to dance about.

New Motto

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Remember, girls, take your pills!

Birth Control pills, that is. If nothing else, Grandma Sarah Palin should be campaigning for safe sex practices, not the 2012 election. When daughter Bristol gave birth to a kid named Tripp, as in "I got tripped up by the idea of safe sex," there was no mention of how her life is a lesson for other teens: practice safe sex.

I once knew a woman who married a Catholic. He didn't believe in birth control. They practiced the rhythm method. That didn't work. She got pregnant. They had an abortion. Later, they got divorced, mainly because she thought he was stupid. 

This is what a lack of birth control gets you: unwanted pregnancies, unwanted abortions, and in at least one case, a much needed divorce! 

I know Gov. Palin has her hands full, being a new grandma, running for President in 2012 (she's like a serial killer who just got her first taste of blood with the last election) and trying to spin her in-laws incarceration, but seriously, wouldn't a public service announcement about birth control be timely about now? Maybe she can take her finger off the rifle trigger for a moment and do one.

5 Signs your job may be in jeopardy

I am amused by all the articles lately that boast giving "tell-tale signs your job is in jeopardy." As someone who thinks about the great unemployed, masses quite a bit, I have a few thoughts on the subject. Here are Binx's Five Signs You Are About to Get Laid Off:

1) You work for a company other than yourself.

2) You have survived a round of lay-offs. In fact, you've survived several rounds of layoffs. Don't fight the inevitable!

3) You work for anyone other than Obama, the only person who has some job security for the next four years as he has his work cut out for him.

4) You are the CEO of a financial institution or an automaker. Okay, you may actually be okay, but I wouldn't count on a bonus. I would count on bad PR.

5) You live in the USA. Actually, you live anywhere. Who's not at risk?

Sure, sure, we can't all get laid off, but when the hot new thing is Unemployment, you know the world is in a heap of trouble.

In a small victory for me, I would like to give an update to my quest that has been going on for the last four years. As you may have read before on this blog, I've been asking everyone who voted for George W. Bush to apologize to me for ruining this country. Just this week, I received another apology. That brings the total number of people who have apologized up to 2. What is the lesson learned? Evidently at least one group of people have a hard time taking responsibility.

Watch out, World

Madame Secretary is going to kick your butt if you misbehave!

I am nursing a cold today, or else I'd write more. But I decided that after months of lamenting Hillary not becoming President Hillary, I decided I should drag my rusty bones out of bed and say, Thank you, President Elect Obama. I can't wait for you guys to take over the world.

Okay, I'm going back to the couch now, but despite the aches and pains, and stuffy nose, there is a happy person in here somewhere.

Oh, and Bruce released his new video today, which in my drug-infused daze has something to do with "Lucky Day," which could sum up today. Hillary and Bruce news in one day. Be still my weak heart.

A Little Post-Holiday Musing

This Thanksgiving, I experienced detox. No, not that kind. Heaven forbid. I missed my transitional talk. What is Obama doing? He's like Waldo or Matt Lauer. Where in the world is he now, what's up? Have they gotten the pup? What are those kids doing? Did they eat too much turkey? Is it official about Hillary yet?

I was pissed at the terrorists for many reasons: they are assholes, they are bores, they are all going to burn in hell if there is a hell and since there is probably not one, big HA on you boys because there won't be any 71 virgins when you die. Much has been said on terrorism since 2001, and even before that, but no one has said it quite this way: terrorism is very passe. You did that, now move on. Think of fresher ways to be insidious without killing people. Put them in therapy after a good-long berating, or become the head of a financial institution and lay off a bunch of people and destroy EVERYONE'S retirement. Oh, and side note to the terrorist ASS who told us all over the holiday to just resort to Islam and our financial woes will go away: BITE ME. I'd rather be poor than religious ANYDAY. I'm not above shopping at Target, you wing-nut freak.

Anyway, as I was saying the terrorists pissed me off for many reasons, but mainly, I want my president-elect news to return. What the hell was Obama thinking two seconds ago? I wanna know. Oh, another side note: Can you not wait for Hillary to take over as Secretary of State? Listen up, Terrorists, you think she is going to put up with your acts of terrorism? Listen, she's a woman who has been cheated on, i.e, she's pissed. She's eternally pissed. And she takes it out on people. She's got a chip on her should the size of Islam and she is going to KICK YOUR ASS.

So next time you Islamic freaks run around killing innocent people, think about this: people in LA are shallow. We are too busy trying to get a parking spot at Barny's to care about your Jihad. And when we are not shopping, we are watching CNN because we want to know what Obama is up to now. We are dying for him to take over, and I'm, in particular, about to pee my pants for Hillary to take over her new role, because she is going to open a large can of WHOOP ASS on your freaky little heads.

Five Unimportant Things, and One That's Important.

Design Nomad (see link to the side) asked me to write about six things that seemed unimportant, but make me happy. Here's what I wrote:

1) Prada. I just love Prada, whether it is going into the store and just browsing, or a rare purchase of a product.

2) A big fat moon in the sky. Especially if it is orange.

3) A really well-written sentence, particularly if I wrote it.

4) Great wine.

5) This actually may be important, but seeing Bruce Springsteen perform.

Last, but not least---and this one is an important thing (far from unimportant, in fact).

6) Knowing that Hillary Clinton may be Madame Secretary. Imagine: Hillary, Biden and Obama in the top three posts. We Democrats have died and gone to heaven.

Hell May Freeze Over, but I have a Prayer

Dear God, Obama, or Bruce Springsteen, Santa Clause or whomever is listening:

Please, please, please, please, please let Hillary Clinton be Secretary of State. I wanted her to be President, you denied me that. I wanted her to be VP, you denied me that. Is this one little thing asking too much? Imagine, Hillary, dining with foreign leaders, telling them, "Play ball or I will kick your ass!" And meaning it, and succeeding!

Please God, Obama, Bruce, SC or whomever, please. It's been a tough year for me. I moved into an overpriced LA apartment where sparks fly every time I plug in a lamp, and everyone in LA thinks I'm a horrible driver and honks at me. I'm another year older, another year without realizing my Big Dream(s) and for crying out loud, I'm so short. Give me this one thing. Just this one thing. I swear I'll stop cussing, I swear I'll give up French wine, I swear I will not put anything else on my charge card, I swear I'll be nicer to Republicans, I swear, I swear, I swear I will simply behave. Just let her be Secretary of State.

Oh, and if it is not too much trouble, can you perform a miracle on my closet? When I open the closet door, please let it be full of wonderful Prada that fits me. 

Thanks a ton, err, Amen.

Van Halen meets Van Palin

The media has done a sufficient job in recent weeks completing exposing and blasting Sarah Palin. Today, the LA Times wrote  a story that, in my opinion, is Pulitzer worthy. The story was about Fly-Over bands: bands big in those states that those of us in California could care less about, except when they do something insane like help elect George W. Bush. These bands mingle Hard Rock, Christian Rock (a scary combo) and Country Pop.

Translation: this is very awful music that should be ignored. Nonetheless, a tidbit was revealed that has, for once an for all, put Sarah Palin's brain into perspective. She is a huge Van Halen fan, so much so, that she gave her son Trig the middle name of Van. Yep. Van Palin. 

Trig, by the way, was named after Trigger, the horse. 

Okay, that's not true about the horse. At least I think it's false. With her, who knows?

Forget Spin Doctors, Get Palin a Stylist!

The RNC spent $150K on clothing and accessories for Sarah Palin since late August. The bulk of this was spent at Neiman's ($75K) and the rest at Saks. She has spent close to $5K on her hair. Palin's spokesperson, Tracey Schmitt is appalled that so much energy from the press is being focused on "pantsuits and blouses."

I'm appalled, too. All that money and they STILL can't dress Palin any better? Much more has been said about how attractive she is. I've scratched my head on that one, because while she's attractive enough, she's the very definition of a frump--$5K on hair in two months and they can't give her a style that doesn't scream Pentecostal? As for her clothes, she looks like  a wolf (shot from a helicopter) in Republican clothes.  

This, for once and for all, proves what I've always said. Republicans are milk toast when it comes to style. Therefore, vote Democrat. We need Armani in the White House, not St. John. Besides, Nancy Regan did "that one" to death.

People Can't Be THAT Stupid

As an old marketing war horse, I'm crying foul. I know a play by my own kind when I see one.  I don't buy all these really, really, really stupid people at McCain rallies who are standing up and telling him, "Gee Senator McCain, I'm scared of that mean old Obama terrorist, he's an Arab! He's a Muslim, He's a terrorist." Those people are planted by the evil marketing geniuses of the RNC. God. Hat's off to you,evil RNC marketing geniuses. You guys are really over the top.

I know there are dumbasses out there. I see them everyday. But look at those people asking McCain these questions. They are perfect stereotypes of your average American redneck. That old lady with her hair, her barely-English hick talk, her clothes? She's was totally set up to ask that question. Notice how she stumbles with her words? She's not an  actress, but I'll bet money she was paid to get up and say that stuff.

I underestimate many things: mother nature, bad manners, hangovers --- but I NEVER underestimate Republicans with a marketing degree. Those people are more resourceful than a gold digger chasing a rich old geezer. They'll do anything to reach their goal. Including planting some crackers in an audience to make idiotic statements. 

A new twist on "Get out and Vote!"

Someone sent me this, and it took me a few seconds to figure out the yiddish. In case you are a hopeless gentile like me, it's an odd little plea to vote for Obama.

And it's a backhanded compliment at the same time. Kind of like, "Hey Binx, that lipstick makes your hips look smaller."

Caribou Barbie Goes to Court

I'm loving the buzz about the Sarah Palin clip that got cut from the televised interview with Katie Couric: she couldn't name a Supreme Court case other than Roe Vs. Wade. How about Gore Vs. Bush? Bowers Vs. Hardwick? Scott Vs. Sandford? Or the Exxon Valdez?

Hello, Gov. Palin? This is your own backyard calling. . .

I Never Liked Obama Until Today

When he rebuffed McCain for postponing the debate and said, "It's the president's job to deal with more than one thing at a time" (I paraphrase) I suddenly, finally almost liked him. God, McCain, grow some hair on those chicken nuggets, will you? You aren't going to solve our financial crisis this week so let's see some debatin' this Friday!

Thou Shall Not Covet thy Neighbor's Huntin' Gun

In the ABC interview, Sarah Palin proved what Democrats know: she's not ready to serve as President if she has to. But she also proved that Republicans know how to win a campaign--and winning is everything in an election. She uses words they want to hear: Morals and Hero. She speaks in sound bites. Her message is short, fiery and all about God and patriotism. How could the republicans not love her? Throw in a special needs baby and oh. my. God. John McCain made a brilliant choice.

So how does Obama and Biden counter this? They have to get more comfortable with the language of morality. They have to forget about their own base, or rather the base has to rally round them in this scary effort to appeal to the dumbasses out there who put morals above something like say, staying out of war.

The hypocrisy of it all is overwhelming. The Heartland is obsessed with morality, but who is living by the principles they covet? More so, they don't even know they aren't living the talk; or at least they won't admit it. They turn to the Bible for guidance, and they see those Ten Commandants and yeah, they aren't that interested in some of them like I Shall Not Lie, or I Shall Not Covet my Neighbor's Wife (if you saw my neighbor's wife, buddy, you wouldn't have a problem). Of course, the Bible has shortcomings. It left out some necessary commandants like, "Thou shall not honk at that petite Blond in West Hollywood because I think she is driving too slow," or, "Thou shall not dress like a complete slut and flirt with men who are taken," or, "Thou shall simply try to be more considerate of other people's feelings and not put 'me first.'" Me First, as I have mentioned before, is the True Republican mantra. 

The truth for Obama is that if he wants to win this election, he needs to pander to the hypocrites out there who act like complete assholes at work and run roughshod over their kids and co-workers, but who crow loudly about what a great gal that Palin woman is, she's a good woman, a fine patriot, and no one, I mean, no one, has more patriotism than John McCain. That may all be true. But they are also going to raise my taxes and lower the taxes on those that can actually afford to have their taxes raised. They are going to drill for more oil instead of aggressively pursuing alternatives, and, they'll keep shoving morality down our throats, while frankly, morality sounds nice, but have you ever tried to spend a Friday night with it? 

Banning the Wife of Bath

I don't know if this is true, but supposedly, Sarah Palin tried to ban Canterbury Tales from the Wasilla Library when she was mayor.

Okay,  so the  Snow Mobile wife of Wasilla tried to ban the Wife of Bath? What's wrong, did Chaucer go and write a strong female character?

Like I said, I don't know if it's true or not, but please. Banning Chaucer? Seriously? Chaucer?