I must travel now and make some money so I can keep my cats, Sammy Davis Jr. and Liza with a Z, in the lifestyle to which they are accustomed. I will return around August 4th, and hope to hit the ground blogging.
As usual, I will have tales of people behaving badly, which means I will be bashing W yet again. Until then, when you see that little shifty-eyed Texan on TV, hiss at him for me, will you?
July 28, 2005
July 26, 2005
Pass the Wonder Bread. Please
If you can believe the latest news stories, this John Roberts is one swell guy. Diane Feinstein doesn’t mind him. He even helped Sandra Day Connor when she was a nominee. To hear the Republicans talk, he’s the model of a moderate. If this is all true, why is it that every time I see a photo of him, I have an overwhelming desire to watch Lawrence Welk reruns and eat milk toast?
If I were anti-abortion and an exec for a Cheney puppet company, or if I were, oh I dunno, say, A SHEEP, I’d think John Roberts was the greatest thing since Wonder Bread. No offense to Wonder Bread.
Why isn’t the media raising hell that W nominated this guy over say, an equally qualified woman or any other minority. Isn’t anyone slightly offended that W has yet again shoved a crony white guy in our face. And if you think Condi Rice is a good example of how diversified is, don’t. She’s as white as Roberts.
If I were anti-abortion and an exec for a Cheney puppet company, or if I were, oh I dunno, say, A SHEEP, I’d think John Roberts was the greatest thing since Wonder Bread. No offense to Wonder Bread.
Why isn’t the media raising hell that W nominated this guy over say, an equally qualified woman or any other minority. Isn’t anyone slightly offended that W has yet again shoved a crony white guy in our face. And if you think Condi Rice is a good example of how diversified is, don’t. She’s as white as Roberts.
July 23, 2005
Terrorists: Bomboholics
The Muslim terrorists have always been out of control, but lately, they are more evil-jackass than usual. There are the London bombings, and today we hear news of 83 people dying in car bombings at an Egyptian resort. Then there is your average daily Iraqi bombing. This leads to one question? When will the Muslim nations realize that their fanatical fringes are their version of our white-trash relations from Mississippi?
Of course, our white-trash relations from Mississippi don’t carry backpacks filled with bombs. Hell, they’ve never been to London, much less know that it’s in England. The worst thing my relations ever did was shoot innocent creek turtles and hack up a few snakes – but those snakes deserved it. The white-trash Mississippi relations do love their beer, too much, in fact, and they have a problem with it, which is not as bad as the terrorists addiction to blowing people up.
White trash relatives have a word for the terrorists. No, not that word, I can’t print it here. Another word: bomboholics. You terrorists out there have a problem. Besides being mass murderers, you boys got yourselves a monkey on your back. Get therapy and by the way, guess what, your God? Doesn’t exist! When you die, you’ll either wake up in the Christian Hell or my guess is, you will simply cease to exist. That’s right, life is hopeless, so get yourself a healthy addiction like my white trash relatives. Need to kill something? Go hack up a yard snake.
As for you Muslims nations, you folks need to do what the rest of us do with our embarrassing relations. First, bitch them out, second, disown them. Stop sending them money. They just piss it away on bombs.
I’d like to offer a third piece of advice. Get your armies together and go out and kill those Motherf!@#$%s. Now. Let’s send them off to the eternal blackness sooner than later.
Of course, our white-trash relations from Mississippi don’t carry backpacks filled with bombs. Hell, they’ve never been to London, much less know that it’s in England. The worst thing my relations ever did was shoot innocent creek turtles and hack up a few snakes – but those snakes deserved it. The white-trash Mississippi relations do love their beer, too much, in fact, and they have a problem with it, which is not as bad as the terrorists addiction to blowing people up.
White trash relatives have a word for the terrorists. No, not that word, I can’t print it here. Another word: bomboholics. You terrorists out there have a problem. Besides being mass murderers, you boys got yourselves a monkey on your back. Get therapy and by the way, guess what, your God? Doesn’t exist! When you die, you’ll either wake up in the Christian Hell or my guess is, you will simply cease to exist. That’s right, life is hopeless, so get yourself a healthy addiction like my white trash relatives. Need to kill something? Go hack up a yard snake.
As for you Muslims nations, you folks need to do what the rest of us do with our embarrassing relations. First, bitch them out, second, disown them. Stop sending them money. They just piss it away on bombs.
I’d like to offer a third piece of advice. Get your armies together and go out and kill those Motherf!@#$%s. Now. Let’s send them off to the eternal blackness sooner than later.
July 20, 2005
John Roberts. Yawn.
Lucky for you, this will be a short blog. There’s not much to say. John Roberts, a milk-toast conservative who thinks like W -- a prerequisite to get a job in this administration -- will get his seat on the Supreme Court. Karl Rove will keep his job. W will continue to be smug, and have odd eyes, and mispronounce "nuclear" and "terrorist." Dick Cheney will always be a grouch and Condee Rice will stay in the closet.
Ooh, can I go to jail for saying that? With this administration, you can get into big trouble for saying little things.
Ooh, can I go to jail for saying that? With this administration, you can get into big trouble for saying little things.
July 16, 2005
Why Miss Paris Drinks to Excess
Remember my pal, Miss Paris? When we last left off, I was about to fix her up with Dr. "Bland" (his new name that I've given him). Dr. Bland is a Mormon, which I did not know when I initiated the fix-up. He’s 32 and, in retrospect, seems to have a phobia about women, but oddly, doesn’t appear gay. If he were gay, I think he’d dress better and go for a look less goofy. That said, he is a cute guy in a white-bread, could-be-a-Mormon sort of way.
During the course of the fix-up, Dr. Bland spilled two mango daiquiris on Miss Paris. The boy can’t handle his liquor. Despite that, they went on a real date a week later. Making small talk over frozen fruity cocktails (the only thing he’ll drink), he asked what she liked to do. Miss Paris is a fun gal. She told him honestly, “go out drinking with my friends. We especially love wine and champagne.” He asked Miss Paris if she considered herself a heavy drinker. That’s an odd first date question, don’t you think? She said, “are you asking as a doctor or as someone asking their date if they have a drinking problem?” He said, “A little of both.” I would have left him sipping his umbrella drink.
This was Friday. He called on Sunday night, and got her voice mail. He left a message saying he had fun and would like to see her again, possibly, Friday. Miss Paris was sitting by the pool, drinking a bottle of wine with her friend. When she finally got the message, she decided she was too drunk to call him that night, given his aversion to winos.
She called him the next night and got his voice mail. She left a message. She never heard from him again.
To paraphrase a now famous book, he’s clearly just not that into her. Or maybe she's too much woman for him and scares the bejeez out of him. Still, he didn’t need to call her and say, “let’s go out again, how about Friday.” He could have just not called, or called and thanked her for the date and left it at that.
So Dr. Bland wins this week’s Person’s Behaving Blandly, I mean Badly. And if you are a woman living in the Las Vegas area and you have been fixed up with a blond Mormon doctor who is about 32 years old, email me and tell me his name. I’ll let you know if it’s our misbehaving doctor. (although, you’ll know when the goofball spills his apple martini all over you.)
During the course of the fix-up, Dr. Bland spilled two mango daiquiris on Miss Paris. The boy can’t handle his liquor. Despite that, they went on a real date a week later. Making small talk over frozen fruity cocktails (the only thing he’ll drink), he asked what she liked to do. Miss Paris is a fun gal. She told him honestly, “go out drinking with my friends. We especially love wine and champagne.” He asked Miss Paris if she considered herself a heavy drinker. That’s an odd first date question, don’t you think? She said, “are you asking as a doctor or as someone asking their date if they have a drinking problem?” He said, “A little of both.” I would have left him sipping his umbrella drink.
This was Friday. He called on Sunday night, and got her voice mail. He left a message saying he had fun and would like to see her again, possibly, Friday. Miss Paris was sitting by the pool, drinking a bottle of wine with her friend. When she finally got the message, she decided she was too drunk to call him that night, given his aversion to winos.
She called him the next night and got his voice mail. She left a message. She never heard from him again.
To paraphrase a now famous book, he’s clearly just not that into her. Or maybe she's too much woman for him and scares the bejeez out of him. Still, he didn’t need to call her and say, “let’s go out again, how about Friday.” He could have just not called, or called and thanked her for the date and left it at that.
So Dr. Bland wins this week’s Person’s Behaving Blandly, I mean Badly. And if you are a woman living in the Las Vegas area and you have been fixed up with a blond Mormon doctor who is about 32 years old, email me and tell me his name. I’ll let you know if it’s our misbehaving doctor. (although, you’ll know when the goofball spills his apple martini all over you.)
July 12, 2005
The art of the non-answer, by Scott McClellan
When I grow up, I want to be a press secretary to the President of the USA. It’s an easy job. You stand in front of reporters and come up with different ways of saying, “no way I’m going to answer your question, you member of the liberal press you.”
The textbook for my MBA in becoming a press secretary comes from this particular press conference given by Mr. Scott McClellan" yesterday. The press wanted to discuss the Valerie Plame investigation. McClellan did not. Read and learn and maybe one day you, too, can be a press secretary! Skip the first few paragraphs of the press briefing, which is just McClellan relaying W’s rhetoric on the London bombings.
The textbook for my MBA in becoming a press secretary comes from this particular press conference given by Mr. Scott McClellan" yesterday. The press wanted to discuss the Valerie Plame investigation. McClellan did not. Read and learn and maybe one day you, too, can be a press secretary! Skip the first few paragraphs of the press briefing, which is just McClellan relaying W’s rhetoric on the London bombings.
July 07, 2005
Let Loose the White Trash Hounds of Hell
As I watched the news today about the world’s top people behaving badly, the terrorists who bombed part of the transit system in London, I couldn’t help but think of England’s #1 white trash royalty of all time, and what she would have done in retaliation. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about Miss Anne Boleyn. I see her as the Sammy Joe of Henry the VIII’s lair.
If I sound like I’m making light of what happened today, I’m sorry. It was heinous, and I hope all responsible will spend eternity in hell being girlfriends to the entire Gestapo (who are hopefully playing girlfriends to some nasty Huns). Just imagine, though, if Anne Boleyn was on the throne in today’s England. Good God, she’d have a hell of a hissy fit. There would be no Middle East when this chick got through. In fact, there might not be any men left, um, except for rich world leaders who could advance her cause.
What our side needs right now is some good old fashion white trash to let loose the hounds of hell on some terrorists ass. W is just a redneck with a penchant for marketing. I’m talking about pure white trash, the kind that says, “I don’t know why my kids can’t behave. Sure, I swat them with a hair brush when they act up, but damn, I give them food twice a day. What the hell is their problem?”
I’m not saying let’s start a war in Iraq for fake WMD. We did that. England supported us, and look where it got them. Enough is enough. Terrorists are jackasses with some nutty damn beliefs and someone needs to shake them good and hard and say, “have a cocktail and lighten the f*&k up.” No, I’m just kidding. We should hit them over the head with a shovel and dump their sorry selves in the Thames. That’s what Sammy Joe would have done. Anne, on the other hand, would probably prefer a good old-fashioned beheading. She has some demons to wrestle. And thanks to these terrorists, we all do.
If I sound like I’m making light of what happened today, I’m sorry. It was heinous, and I hope all responsible will spend eternity in hell being girlfriends to the entire Gestapo (who are hopefully playing girlfriends to some nasty Huns). Just imagine, though, if Anne Boleyn was on the throne in today’s England. Good God, she’d have a hell of a hissy fit. There would be no Middle East when this chick got through. In fact, there might not be any men left, um, except for rich world leaders who could advance her cause.
What our side needs right now is some good old fashion white trash to let loose the hounds of hell on some terrorists ass. W is just a redneck with a penchant for marketing. I’m talking about pure white trash, the kind that says, “I don’t know why my kids can’t behave. Sure, I swat them with a hair brush when they act up, but damn, I give them food twice a day. What the hell is their problem?”
I’m not saying let’s start a war in Iraq for fake WMD. We did that. England supported us, and look where it got them. Enough is enough. Terrorists are jackasses with some nutty damn beliefs and someone needs to shake them good and hard and say, “have a cocktail and lighten the f*&k up.” No, I’m just kidding. We should hit them over the head with a shovel and dump their sorry selves in the Thames. That’s what Sammy Joe would have done. Anne, on the other hand, would probably prefer a good old-fashioned beheading. She has some demons to wrestle. And thanks to these terrorists, we all do.
July 06, 2005
See What Kind of Trouble Rove Started
If I said it once, I said it a million times: Republicans cause all sorts of trouble, and the Great Marketer heads the list. He is implicated as leaking the CIA informant story to the press and then the next thing you know, a journalist goes to jail for protecting her source. What's either crazy or impressive is that according to CNN, Miller's source has waived the confidentiality agreement.
It all makes me nostalgic for the old Watergate days -- and what better timing with Deep Throat coming out of the closet. Okay, not that closet, I'm just speaking figuratively. I wonder if Hollywood Video has a copy of "All the President's Men"?
It all makes me nostalgic for the old Watergate days -- and what better timing with Deep Throat coming out of the closet. Okay, not that closet, I'm just speaking figuratively. I wonder if Hollywood Video has a copy of "All the President's Men"?
July 04, 2005
The Great Marketer Gets Caught
Karl Rove, the world’s greatest marketer, who managed to convince an entire nation that W was the better candidate, not once, but twice, may finally be getting his karmic due.
Much has been written about Karl Rove being the leak who ruined Valerie Plame’s career, all because she was being an actual good American (as opposed to, well, you know who). But of all the things I’ve read, this guy wins the “most pissed-off” award. You may not agree with what he says, but you gotta love how he slams Rove.
Much has been written about Karl Rove being the leak who ruined Valerie Plame’s career, all because she was being an actual good American (as opposed to, well, you know who). But of all the things I’ve read, this guy wins the “most pissed-off” award. You may not agree with what he says, but you gotta love how he slams Rove.
Happy 4th! Now Run for Cover
Sandra Day O’Conner’s resignation can only mean one thing: W is gonna appoint a big jackass.
Why wouldn’t he? What swell person has W ever appointed? He doesn’t even know swell people, except, maybe his wife (and I have my suspicions about her. If she’s so wonderful, why the heck is she married to him?)
I had a dinner party last night – actually, that’s another blog. Last night was the night I fixed up Miss Paris with the doctor – and all six of my guests were democrats, the only six in the state of Nevada in fact. I asked everyone what they thought W would do, and they all agreed, we can kiss Roe v. Wade goodbye and say hello to a bevy of new laws aimed at destroying privacy rights. Oh I know, we’re negative doomsayers. It’s not like since Bush has been in office new laws have gone into effect, like, the Patriot Act, or the government’s ability to take away your home to build a park for crack babies, or even that the government is considering doing things like, monitoring blogs. Oh I’m just kidding, those things have totally happened!
So, this Fourth of July weekend, donate some money to your local planned parenthood, write a blog blasting the President, and get really drunk. Do all those things while you still can. God bless America. Seriously, God. We need it.
Why wouldn’t he? What swell person has W ever appointed? He doesn’t even know swell people, except, maybe his wife (and I have my suspicions about her. If she’s so wonderful, why the heck is she married to him?)
I had a dinner party last night – actually, that’s another blog. Last night was the night I fixed up Miss Paris with the doctor – and all six of my guests were democrats, the only six in the state of Nevada in fact. I asked everyone what they thought W would do, and they all agreed, we can kiss Roe v. Wade goodbye and say hello to a bevy of new laws aimed at destroying privacy rights. Oh I know, we’re negative doomsayers. It’s not like since Bush has been in office new laws have gone into effect, like, the Patriot Act, or the government’s ability to take away your home to build a park for crack babies, or even that the government is considering doing things like, monitoring blogs. Oh I’m just kidding, those things have totally happened!
So, this Fourth of July weekend, donate some money to your local planned parenthood, write a blog blasting the President, and get really drunk. Do all those things while you still can. God bless America. Seriously, God. We need it.
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