March 05, 2009

Why Online Dating Sucks

It's been awhile since I posted, but I just had to sound in on something going around the Internet. Gawker just posted this on the world's worst person. 

Enjoy, or rather, be disgusted!

January 27, 2009

Still Working on a Dream

For two weeks, I've been waiting for today. It's the launch of Bruce Springsteen's new album, "Working on a Dream." Rolling Stone gave it four stars. It is highly anticipated and the buzz is that it is his best since "Born to Run." I've heard snippets of every tune and I am frothing at the mouth to hear this CD in full. So I order it from Amazon to arrive today. I pay extra for it to arrive TODAY. Then it rains or something in St. Louis and UPS sends me a cryptic message: "Package delayed due to Exceptions." Okay, that sounds slightly pornographic when taken out of context, and quite ominous. Still, I don't panic till I call UPS and they tell me that Bruce will not arrive today, and he may not arrive tomorrow.

So now I have to go to Virgin, buy the record and the bonus DVD that comes with it, and when my expensive package finally arrives next year, send it back and get a refund.

All a girl wants is her Bruce. Is that asking too much? We are in the middle of a recession, I want a job but can't seem to have one, I want to lose five pounds but can't seem to shed the weight no matter how much cardio I do (old age, thank you), I want Prada, but don't have a job hence no Prada. Can't I at least have my BRUCE?

I do not know how, but somehow George W. Bush is to blame for this one, too.

January 22, 2009

The Day I've Been Waiting For

Madame Secretary, please go kick ass. The World is waiting. Do your thang, lady.

January 15, 2009

A W-less World

In just a few days there will be no more W for bloggers and comedians to make fun of or complain about. My God. I'm going to miss that. We had so much fun. I said to my boyfriend last night, after chuckling about a joke David Letterman made about Dick Cheney," I'm sorry, but here's the downside: Joe Biden jokes just are not as funny as Cheney jokes," to which my often-prophetic boyfriend said, "Oh honey, give Joe time."

W and Cheney provided tons of comedic fodder. Maybe Joe will, too, as he can be a bit rough. Then there is Obama; he's one smooth guy, which may work out well from a job standpoint, but as a chuckle-inducer?

Everyone says Obama is so eloquent, an accolade I still do not agree with (his speeches still bore me, shoot me, but there I said it), however, I can count on him to pronounce words correctly as he's, you know, smart. Maybe in his first few days of office he can say "terrorists" funny or mangle "nuclear," just for old time's sake. Or, if he really wants us to wax nostalgic and give us a good laugh he can just, in a press conference, start to say something, then pretend he lost his train of thought and go, 'Ugh," and say "Ugh," a bunch of times.

Of all the laughs I am going to miss having over W, the biggest is that Letterman will no longer show his "Great Moments in Presidential History." Gee. I'm getting teary-eyed just thinking how much I will miss that one. It was a nightly laugh seeing clips of other Presidents make powerful or poetic statements, then we get a clip of W stumbling across a sentence . . . hold on, I'm getting teary-eyed again just thinking of those fun, fun, memories.

In case I get too nostalgic, don't worry, all I have to do is thing of New Orleans. I'll never forget or forgive Katrina. The disaster was not his fault, and the local and state government deserve their share of blame, but for me, it represented our lowest moment in American History. How he won twice is beyond me. But, let me take this opportunity one more time (I'll see if I can squeeze it again before Tuesday) if you voted for W once, much less twice, you owe this country an apology.

Or as W could have said (as it is believable) in a press conference, "You owe the Americas an, ugh. Ugh. You know, an, well you should, ugh, say you're sorry. Apologize. Yeah. That's it. Okay." Cue a smug smile at the camera. Fade out.

January 02, 2009

Happy New Administration!

Oh Glorious New Year, full of Hope, full of Audacity . . . lacking almost completely in George W. Bush! We are down to the final days of his administration. Good-bye, Condi. Come out, come out and you know what I'm talkin' 'bout. Good-bye Dick. Whadda Dick! Good-bye W, you crossed-eyed arrogant cowboy. I'm not going to miss hating you.

Hello Hillary! My (hopefully) Madame Secretary! It's like your die-hard fans got what they wanted after all. You may not be our President (once more with feeling: sigh) but we still have a Clinton-influenced White House. And I'm loving the rumors that Bill will take over your seat. I don't think it will happen, but it's fun entertaining the thought.

Hello Obama! You weren't my first choice, but you seem to have made all the right moves. I was really angry when you made Biden your VP, but in retrospect, the world needs Hillary as the SoS right now.  Also, can I just say: Whoa. I would not want your  job. Who would? That W has left you one hell of a mess. I wish you the best of luck, because we all need you to have luck. In fact, Luck may be the only thing that saves our butts at this point, thanks to how badly things got screwed up in the last 8 years.

I start every year full of hope and resolution. The resolutions fall away, a reflection of my own personal failures. Sadly, the hope ebbs, too. This year, we have a new start, individually and as a country. As Republicans have pointed out, Hope is not a strategy, but it's a relief to feel hopeful again. So here's hoping to a wonderful, fabulous 2009. If nothing else, Bruce Springsteen has a new CD coming out this month, and that is something to dance about.

December 30, 2008

New Motto

Here's my new favorite quote:

"I won't apologize for you being a dick to me."

It just came to me. Someone else may have come up with it, I'm sure they did, but it came to me as I was writing a story.  As I think back on all the jackasses I've encountered in this past year, this quote seems really appropriate. I've been through one of the toughest years of my life, and it was punctuated by a number of people who were just plain old mean---at times. Sometimes, there is a large amount of sweetness in the world. Other times, the saying "kick a dog when its down," applies.

As we go into 2009, I'd like to offer this quote, lifted straight from some future fiction of mine, as a gift to all of you (all four of my readers). Take it to heart, say it often when someone is treating you like you are an out-of-control (and drunken) Blanche Dubois right after a gang bang with fat Cajuns.

In fact, use it so much you turn it into a cliche. And if you have an alternative suggestion, please send it to me. I'd love to collect pithy comebacks to give the jackasses I invariably encounter.

December 29, 2008

Remember, girls, take your pills!

Birth Control pills, that is. If nothing else, Grandma Sarah Palin should be campaigning for safe sex practices, not the 2012 election. When daughter Bristol gave birth to a kid named Tripp, as in "I got tripped up by the idea of safe sex," there was no mention of how her life is a lesson for other teens: practice safe sex.

I once knew a woman who married a Catholic. He didn't believe in birth control. They practiced the rhythm method. That didn't work. She got pregnant. They had an abortion. Later, they got divorced, mainly because she thought he was stupid. 

This is what a lack of birth control gets you: unwanted pregnancies, unwanted abortions, and in at least one case, a much needed divorce! 

I know Gov. Palin has her hands full, being a new grandma, running for President in 2012 (she's like a serial killer who just got her first taste of blood with the last election) and trying to spin her in-laws incarceration, but seriously, wouldn't a public service announcement about birth control be timely about now? Maybe she can take her finger off the rifle trigger for a moment and do one.