Pets Fight War On Terrorism

A dear friend of mine had to put her cat to sleep this past weekend. Like most pet owners, she really, really loved her cat and spent thousands and thousands of dollars over the past year to pay for his medical treatments. I sent her flowers as a condolence, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with my own cat, letting him know how much I love him, and how superior I think he is to not only other cats, but to all my friends’ kids, as well. This may all seem really silly to someone who is not a pet lover, but out of all this, I had a strange thought: our pampered pets are winning the war on terrorism.

Americans (and other western countries) pamper their pets. We dress them in human clothes, buy them gourmet food, take out insurance on them, pamper them with peticures. In a way, it's the most definitive way we say to the terrorists, “screw you. This is the way we live our lives and all the hijackings, bombings and ululating you do isn’t going to stop that.”

So if you want to be a good American, give your charitable contributions to your nearest animal shelter. It will really piss the terrorists off.

And if you have pets, shower your attention on Fido or Miss Liza. Dress them up in your pet clothes. Let them eat at the table, off the plate. Feed them steak. Put Channel #5 on their fur. In a small way, you and your beloved animal are soldiers in the fight against terrorism. Added value: it will give the neighbors something to talk about.

Can Mary Vote?

The Faithful in the Sacramento area are all in a tizzy over a statue of the Virgin Mary that is crying tears of blood. Some believe that this is sign full of major portent, warning us of a natural disaster or an epidemic. It never ceases to amaze how the religious right always get these things wrong: she’s crying because half the country elected W into office yet again. Duh, it’s so obvious.

Or maybe she’s crying because Alias killed of Michael Vartan (I will never forgive the producers for that), and now this is Alias’ last season (might as well be, they killed off super cute hottie spy).

Oh, I know, maybe, some wackadoo is sneaking in and putting red water on her face to make it look like tears. People need a reason to believe, but it’s too bad that they can’t believe in anything rational.

Heckuva Job Brownie Finds New Gig

I’m scared. Hold me. Former FEMA chief Michael “Heckuva job Brownie” Brown is starting a consulting firm on disaster preparedness.

"If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses — because that goes straight to the bottom line — then I hope I can help the country in some way," Brown told the Rocky Mountain News for its Thursday editions. So this is his mea culpa? Give us more of what he screwed up in the first place?

Brown said officials need to "take inventory" of what's going on in a disaster to be able to answer questions to avoid appearing unaware. Uh-huh. We already knew that, Brownie. You, on the other hand, have evidently just figured this out.

We Can't Fix Iraq

Next time you’re having a bad day, read this and be grateful you aren’t in Iraq.

Reading this reporter's account drives home for me the fact that we should not be in this country. We can’t fix Iraq any more than doctors can fix W’s eyes or Cheney’s perma-snarl. It’s laughable that W and his cronies want to stay the course. The course is filled with suicide bombers and a mounting death toll. If we want to do good, then we need to use the horny-teen method of birth control: pull out.

Changing Course on Iraq

If Republicans can change their mind that Big Government is bad and embrace it like the W administration has, why can’t they accept that Democrats have changed their mind on the war in Iraq?

Sure, a lot of leading Democrats voted for the war on Iraq. Congressional Dems were given the same intelligence as Congressional Republicans, so why wouldn’t they vote the same way? John Edwards said this week, “I was wrong, it was a mistake to vote for this war in 2002.” Then Kerry said he’d never vote for this war again (nice sentiments but pointless). Dems are showing more resolve than ever on Iraq. Republicans call their reaction “politics” rather than just admit they were wrong. I know, I know, “I was wrong,” isn’t in the lexicon of your average Republican politician. “I was indicted,” is, however, and maybe that takes them a step closer to “I was wrong.”

The Days of Whine and Poses

Maybe it’s the post-op drugs talking, but I don’t think Bill O’Reilly is a bad man. Like Karl Rove, or like Rove used to be, O’Reilly is very good at marketing, specifically, spin. He’s so good and such a genius that he has his no-spin zone, which really, everything is spin, as he must know, and his spin is plain, straight-shooting, whether you and I agree with him or not.

Bill recently insulted my adopted hometown, San Francisco. To paraphrase, because the post-op painkillers make me lazy and keep me from researching, he said that since SF doesn’t want military recruitment in schools, the Feds shouldn’t give them a dime, and furthermore, if terrorists want to attack, let them attack and blow up Coit Tower. That just shows how little he knows about SF. We wouldn’t care if he blew up Coit Tower. Now, if they blew up Macy’s on Union Square we might raise hell, but honestly, it’s too close to Thanksgiving and we need to think about what Cabs we’ll be serving next Thursday, or how long we’re going to brine our Turkeys to worry about blowing up tourists traps.

I don’t think O’Reilly means these things. He even said it was meant satirically; though he’s no Oscar Wilde. Bill makes a lot of money doing what he does, and he does it very well. I just wish he wouldn’t get so huffy when people pick on him. That comes with the job, and makes him no different than W, Libby and for that matter, Paris Hilton.

However, he’s always referring to those liberal whiners who pick on him, and it’s clear it bothers him. Heck, Bill, here’s a reality check: conservatives whine just as much if not more and just because they don’t pick on you, don’t let them off the hook because after all, you’re all about fair and balanced news, no? Here’s some of my fave conservative whines: “I’m rich and pay too much in taxes!” That’s an oldie but goldie. “San Francisco is too liberal, I’m not giving them a dime of my federal money,” is a new one, sure to be a classic. “But there was evidence of WMD, I swear,” is my current fave.

Walmart Needs a Closing-Down-Forever Sale

Walmart proved this week that it is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, truly without a lick of merit. It’s bad enough that it doesn't care about paying its employees a good wage. It doesn't care about sweatshop workers much less giving its employees decent healthcare. What does it care about? Not pissing off the religious right, evidently, the only people with bad enough taste to shop there.

What were Walmart's PR people thinking this week when they apologized to the insidious Catholic League of Religious and Civil Rights for leaving the word “Christmas” out of its sales promotion? There is a word for people like the Catholic League: Jackasses. So, Jackasses, listen up: our country was founded on the tenet that we could be free from people like you. Christmas isn’t about Jesus’s mythical birthday, it’s about me having a fight with my husband, telling him that “I know it’s the gift that counts but what in the f$$k were you thinking?” Anyway, if the Catholic League of Religious and Civil Rights were true to their name, they’d be pushing for gays to be married and for Walmart to throw large Ramadan sales.

Tis’ the season to remember the real spirit of Christmas: half-price sales on cashmere sweaters at Saks. Snobby salespeople at Neiman Marcus. Diet eggnog. And most importantly, uttering these sacred words: “Waiter, another glass of champagne, please.”