Now today was what I’d call a bad day. To sum it up, I threatened to choke a Muslim, I had a slacker hang-up on me after I demanded respect, and the gal we call the Big Bones Bore told me I need to move past my anger, and that my problem was that I am short, and she didn’t have this issue because she was tall. She’s 5’5 – do you know how short I would have to be for her to think she’s tall. I'm short but she's delusional. And she doesn’t merely have big bones, she’s fat. But tell her that. Actually, don’t try to tell her anything. She knows it all. She knows more than God, she knows more than that all time winner on Jeopardy. Evidently what she doesn’t know is that you do NOT put a bowl on your head to cut your bangs.
Let me start at the beginning . . .
Our website is down, at least part of it – the part where you log on and get free info. Our programmer and our hosting guy have been duking it out for days blaming each other on the problem. Both are outside contractors. Both got their degrees evidently from some online school.
So after an exchange of emails where each blamed the other for the umpteenth time, I called the programmer. I got his annoying admin on the line who told me he was not available. We were on speaker as there were numerous people in my office who wanted to speak to him. The marketing group and the IT person. The Admin insisted on having my name, though I kept telling her to tell the programmer to call the IT guy. We hung up, we called the hosting guy, the Muslim. He started blaming the programmer. He said the programmer loaded something to the site that screwed it up. I know the programmer didn’t load anything. I lost it.
“I am so tired of you blaming him and him blaming you. Honestly, I’ve never worked anywhere where the site goes down so often,” I said, rather, almost screamed. Okay, screeched.
More words were shared and I said, “here’s what I want to do. I want to board a plane to California and go out there and choke you.”
Oddly, he got really contrite.
The programmer then returned my call and started screaming at me. He’s a little turd in his late twenties, and is under the impression that he is above reproach. I hope his peeppe falls off when he turns 30, you know, many years from now. He actually said, “the web problems have never been my mistake. Ever.” And I said, “Oh, you have never made a mistake.” He said, “That’s right.” Then he started yelling at me, saying, “you are too small of a client for me to take this kind of behavior. I’m happy to let you go,” to which I said, “yes, finish this job and have no fear, this relationship is terminated.” Then I said the line about how I didn’t care how small a client I was, I demanded respect and the bastard hung up on me.
Then I went to visit a friend and vent my woes, when his pal, Big Boned Bore walks in and plops her big boned, yet well-cushioned, tush down. She’s listening and she says, “you need to move on past this anger.” I said, “Life is short, I’m short, and I just got to get it all out. Besides it makes me feel better.” She said, “ahhh, I see. I know why I am never phased by anything.” Beat. “I’m tall.”
I then asked her did she really want to rumble with me given my morning and that I wouldn’t mind putting her in therapy. She assured me I could not insult her, she was above insulting. I should have said, “because you’ve heard it all,” but instead I said, “well you are insulting me.” She said, “no I’m not.” I ignored her. She repeated it three times and I continued talking to my friend. Finally, when we finished, I said, “well I better go make someone else miserable now.” To which she said, “if you tried to make me miserable, you have failed horribly.” I said, “I promise I will keep trying.”
Of course, there is a reason I can’t make her miserable. She’s already there. She is a mean-spirited, humorless, wretch with a bad haircut and an enormous ego. The question I have is why are there people like her in the world, or the haughty programmer who thinks he is above reproach, or the Muslim who can’t take responsibility. All these suicide bombing Muslims and I get the one who doesn’t want to be responsible for anything.
Lesson learned: not all men are created equal. Those are just pretty words designed to give marginalized school kids hope. D. H. Lawrence said that we are not equal, we differ in our spirit. I must be at the bottom of the heap, because those bastards today have sucked my spirit bone dry. My ass may have dimples, but my spirit, it’s downright anorexic.
Now where is my Xanax?
