Pets Fight War On Terrorism

A dear friend of mine had to put her cat to sleep this past weekend. Like most pet owners, she really, really loved her cat and spent thousands and thousands of dollars over the past year to pay for his medical treatments. I sent her flowers as a condolence, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with my own cat, letting him know how much I love him, and how superior I think he is to not only other cats, but to all my friends’ kids, as well. This may all seem really silly to someone who is not a pet lover, but out of all this, I had a strange thought: our pampered pets are winning the war on terrorism.

Americans (and other western countries) pamper their pets. We dress them in human clothes, buy them gourmet food, take out insurance on them, pamper them with peticures. In a way, it's the most definitive way we say to the terrorists, “screw you. This is the way we live our lives and all the hijackings, bombings and ululating you do isn’t going to stop that.”

So if you want to be a good American, give your charitable contributions to your nearest animal shelter. It will really piss the terrorists off.

And if you have pets, shower your attention on Fido or Miss Liza. Dress them up in your pet clothes. Let them eat at the table, off the plate. Feed them steak. Put Channel #5 on their fur. In a small way, you and your beloved animal are soldiers in the fight against terrorism. Added value: it will give the neighbors something to talk about.

Can Mary Vote?

The Faithful in the Sacramento area are all in a tizzy over a statue of the Virgin Mary that is crying tears of blood. Some believe that this is sign full of major portent, warning us of a natural disaster or an epidemic. It never ceases to amaze how the religious right always get these things wrong: she’s crying because half the country elected W into office yet again. Duh, it’s so obvious.

Or maybe she’s crying because Alias killed of Michael Vartan (I will never forgive the producers for that), and now this is Alias’ last season (might as well be, they killed off super cute hottie spy).

Oh, I know, maybe, some wackadoo is sneaking in and putting red water on her face to make it look like tears. People need a reason to believe, but it’s too bad that they can’t believe in anything rational.

Heckuva Job Brownie Finds New Gig

I’m scared. Hold me. Former FEMA chief Michael “Heckuva job Brownie” Brown is starting a consulting firm on disaster preparedness.

"If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses — because that goes straight to the bottom line — then I hope I can help the country in some way," Brown told the Rocky Mountain News for its Thursday editions. So this is his mea culpa? Give us more of what he screwed up in the first place?

Brown said officials need to "take inventory" of what's going on in a disaster to be able to answer questions to avoid appearing unaware. Uh-huh. We already knew that, Brownie. You, on the other hand, have evidently just figured this out.

We Can't Fix Iraq

Next time you’re having a bad day, read this and be grateful you aren’t in Iraq.

Reading this reporter's account drives home for me the fact that we should not be in this country. We can’t fix Iraq any more than doctors can fix W’s eyes or Cheney’s perma-snarl. It’s laughable that W and his cronies want to stay the course. The course is filled with suicide bombers and a mounting death toll. If we want to do good, then we need to use the horny-teen method of birth control: pull out.

Changing Course on Iraq

If Republicans can change their mind that Big Government is bad and embrace it like the W administration has, why can’t they accept that Democrats have changed their mind on the war in Iraq?

Sure, a lot of leading Democrats voted for the war on Iraq. Congressional Dems were given the same intelligence as Congressional Republicans, so why wouldn’t they vote the same way? John Edwards said this week, “I was wrong, it was a mistake to vote for this war in 2002.” Then Kerry said he’d never vote for this war again (nice sentiments but pointless). Dems are showing more resolve than ever on Iraq. Republicans call their reaction “politics” rather than just admit they were wrong. I know, I know, “I was wrong,” isn’t in the lexicon of your average Republican politician. “I was indicted,” is, however, and maybe that takes them a step closer to “I was wrong.”

The Days of Whine and Poses

Maybe it’s the post-op drugs talking, but I don’t think Bill O’Reilly is a bad man. Like Karl Rove, or like Rove used to be, O’Reilly is very good at marketing, specifically, spin. He’s so good and such a genius that he has his no-spin zone, which really, everything is spin, as he must know, and his spin is plain, straight-shooting, whether you and I agree with him or not.

Bill recently insulted my adopted hometown, San Francisco. To paraphrase, because the post-op painkillers make me lazy and keep me from researching, he said that since SF doesn’t want military recruitment in schools, the Feds shouldn’t give them a dime, and furthermore, if terrorists want to attack, let them attack and blow up Coit Tower. That just shows how little he knows about SF. We wouldn’t care if he blew up Coit Tower. Now, if they blew up Macy’s on Union Square we might raise hell, but honestly, it’s too close to Thanksgiving and we need to think about what Cabs we’ll be serving next Thursday, or how long we’re going to brine our Turkeys to worry about blowing up tourists traps.

I don’t think O’Reilly means these things. He even said it was meant satirically; though he’s no Oscar Wilde. Bill makes a lot of money doing what he does, and he does it very well. I just wish he wouldn’t get so huffy when people pick on him. That comes with the job, and makes him no different than W, Libby and for that matter, Paris Hilton.

However, he’s always referring to those liberal whiners who pick on him, and it’s clear it bothers him. Heck, Bill, here’s a reality check: conservatives whine just as much if not more and just because they don’t pick on you, don’t let them off the hook because after all, you’re all about fair and balanced news, no? Here’s some of my fave conservative whines: “I’m rich and pay too much in taxes!” That’s an oldie but goldie. “San Francisco is too liberal, I’m not giving them a dime of my federal money,” is a new one, sure to be a classic. “But there was evidence of WMD, I swear,” is my current fave.

Walmart Needs a Closing-Down-Forever Sale

Walmart proved this week that it is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, truly without a lick of merit. It’s bad enough that it doesn't care about paying its employees a good wage. It doesn't care about sweatshop workers much less giving its employees decent healthcare. What does it care about? Not pissing off the religious right, evidently, the only people with bad enough taste to shop there.

What were Walmart's PR people thinking this week when they apologized to the insidious Catholic League of Religious and Civil Rights for leaving the word “Christmas” out of its sales promotion? There is a word for people like the Catholic League: Jackasses. So, Jackasses, listen up: our country was founded on the tenet that we could be free from people like you. Christmas isn’t about Jesus’s mythical birthday, it’s about me having a fight with my husband, telling him that “I know it’s the gift that counts but what in the f$$k were you thinking?” Anyway, if the Catholic League of Religious and Civil Rights were true to their name, they’d be pushing for gays to be married and for Walmart to throw large Ramadan sales.

Tis’ the season to remember the real spirit of Christmas: half-price sales on cashmere sweaters at Saks. Snobby salespeople at Neiman Marcus. Diet eggnog. And most importantly, uttering these sacred words: “Waiter, another glass of champagne, please.”

Facing the Knife with a Dribble of Dignity

On Monday, I’m having some outpatient surgery done. While the surgery itself is no big deal, the recovery is supposed to be a bit of a bitch and takes several weeks. The other thing that is a bitch is that I frequently have to field questions about why I’m having surgery. I would have kept the surgery a secret, but if I did that, people would think I was missing, while instead, I’m just off happily recovering with a large bottle of pain killers. I don’t want to walk in the grocery store and see my face on the back of a milk carton, so instead, I share – up to a point.

When asked why I’m having surgery, my normal response has been, “It’s just some minor stuff I have to fix.” This is the truth. People do not like this answer. I’m not sharing properly. I’m not giving details. So conjecture ensues. One co-worker asked me if I was having a nose job. I touched my nose reflexively. It’s never been my best feature, but really, that’s a bit of an assumption. “No, I’m not,” I told her. “Oh,” she said, surprised.

Another co-worker (my co-workers need etiquette lessons) said to me yesterday, “Well, I hope I get to see you again.” I told her I was not dying, and she realized her faux pas. “Oh, I didn’t mean that.” What did you mean, sweetheart? That you hope I don’t recover and suddenly move to Detroit?

My boss is convinced that I am having “female” problems, even though I’ve given him no indication that I am. He even told the head of our board, which, by the way, as my employer, he legally should not have done that. Now I have concerned board members calling me up, wishing me well with my reproductive system.

A few friends, who know how vain I am, have asked if I was going to get “something pretty done.” Okay, is there something you all want to tell me about the way I look?

One friend said, “Oh, I know. You’re getting an abortion.” This prompted an idea: if Roe V. Wade should ever get overturned, and providing I haven’t crossed over to the other side of menopause, maybe I will get pregnant just to have an abortion as a political statement. Oh don’t put it past me.

I remember after my mother died, most people did not know how to interact with me. Some friends avoided me like I had SARS. I confronted one friend about it, and he said, “Well, it’s just an uncomfortable subject.” Yeah, well, how do you think my Mom felt, being dead and all.

When life picks us as the subjects of unfortunate circumstances, Appropriateness yields to Awkwardness. Fortunately for me, in about 48 hours, I’ll have some nice pain killers and can take a vacation from Awkward. Then I will go back to work and face the inquiring stares of co-workers looking me over, trying to figure out what I did and why my nose and breasts have not changed.

So if my posts are weird next week, blame it on the drugs, and with my luck, I’ll have good stories to tell about rude doctors and nurses.

Does Dilbert do Ethics?

By now, you’ve read that W has ordered his staff to get some
Ethics by taking a course. To help out, the White House conduct a series of presentations on general ethics rules. For W’s sake, the presentations will have lots of cartoons and no large words, like, well, ethics.

While W was in Argentina, he deflected questions about Rove’s involvement in the Plamegate investigation. What the media has not covered is the look on W’s face when faced with these questions. Here’s a man who is uncomfortable with confrontation. Forget giving a Republican in power a refresher course in ethics – it won’t stick. W needs a publicist and bad. Someone needs to coach him on how to not contort his face, betraying the obvious discomfort he feels.

I honestly do believe that W is mentally challenged to a degree and it is the best kept secret since Roosevelt’s wheelchair. The people who insist he is a smart man, a brilliant man, or for that matter, a man in charge, suffer from denial. He doesn’t even have the wits to put on a poker face. My cat can do this, but then again, my cat is extraordinary.

I’ve been right about most things I’ve said about W, so while I’m on a roll, I think it’s safe to say that this man will go down as the worst president in history, and for that, I’m grateful to him. W, you’ve just made my hero Jimmy’s stock rise. He’s not looking so bad anymore, even to some Republicans.

What does Bush Want for Christmas?

A new scooter.


Thanks to my friend Robby for that joke. After cruising the Internet, here’s some more jokes that I found:

Why is George Bush so hard-headed?
His skull protects the weakest part of his body.

What were George W. Bush's three hardest years?
The Second grade.

What do Bush and Hurricana Katrina have in common?
They were the two worst disasters to hit America.

What is George Bush's position on Roe v Wade?
He doesn't really care how people get out of New Orleans.

And finally, I believe this is a bastardization of a joke that started on Saturday Night Live:

A recent poll shows that 70% of American people think that George W. Bush is doing a bad job. The other 30% believe that Adam and Eve rode to church on Dinosaurs.

Give 'em Hell Harry's Speech

Since the Media didn’t think it was important to release Harry Reid’s speech yesterday, I mean, it was only history being made, I thought I’d reprint it here for your enjoyment:

This past weekend, we witnessed the indictment of I. Lewis Libby, the Vice President's Chief of Staff and a senior Advisor to President Bush. Libby is the first sitting White House staffer to be indicted in 135 years.

This indictment raises very serious charges. It asserts this Administration engaged in actions that both harmed our national security and are morally repugnant.

The decision to place U.S. soldiers in harm's way is the most significant responsibility the Constitution invests in the Congress.

The Libby indictment provides a window into what this is really about: how the Administration manufactured and manipulated intelligence in order to sell the war in Iraq and attempted to destroy those who dared to challenge its actions.

As a result of its improper conduct, a cloud now hangs over this Administration. This cloud is further darkened by the Administration's mistakes in prisoner abuse scandal, Hurricane Katrina, and the cronyism and corruption in numerous agencies.

And, unfortunately, it must be said that a cloud also hangs over this Republican-controlled Congress for its unwillingness to hold this Republican Administration accountable for its misdeeds on all of these issues.

Let's take a look back at how we got here with respect to Iraq Mr. President. The record will show that within hours of the terrorist attacks on 9/11, senior officials in this Administration recognized these attacks could be used as a pretext to invade Iraq.

The record will also show that in the months and years after 9/11, the Administration engaged in a pattern of manipulation of the facts and retribution against anyone who got in its way as it made the case for attacking Iraq.

There are numerous examples of how the Administration misstated and manipulated the facts as it made the case for war. Administration statements on Saddam's alleged nuclear weapons capabilities and ties with Al Qaeda represent the best examples of how it consistently and repeatedly manipulated the facts.

The American people were warned time and again by the President, the Vice President, and the current Secretary of State about Saddam's nuclear weapons capabilities. The Vice President said Iraq has reconstituted its nuclear weapons. Playing upon the fears of Americans after September 11, these officials and others raised the specter that, left unchecked, Saddam could soon attack America with nuclear weapons.

Obviously we know now their nuclear claims were wholly inaccurate. But more troubling is the fact that a lot of intelligence experts were telling the Administration then that its claims about Saddam's nuclear capabilities were false.

The situation was very similar with respect to Saddam's links to Al Qaeda. The Vice President told the American people, We know he's out trying once again to produce nuclear weapons and we know he has a longstanding relationship with various terrorist groups including the Al Qaeda organization.

The Administration's assertions on this score have been totally discredited. But again, the Administration went ahead with these assertions in spite of the fact that the government's top experts did not agree with these claims.

What has been the response of this Republican-controlled Congress to the Administration's manipulation of intelligence that led to this protracted war in Iraq? Basically nothing. Did the Republican-controlled Congress carry out its constitutional obligations to conduct oversight? No. Did it support our troops and their families by providing them the answers to many important questions? No. Did it even attempt to force this Administration to answer the most basic questions about its behavior? No.

Unfortunately the unwillingness of the Republican-controlled Congress to exercise its oversight responsibilities is not limited to just Iraq. We see it with respect to the prisoner abuse scandal. We see it with respect to Katrina. And we see it with respect to the cronyism and corruption that permeates this Administration.

Time and time again, this Republican-controlled Congress has consistently chosen to put its political interests ahead of our national security. They have repeatedly chosen to protect the Republican Administration rather than get to the bottom of what happened and why.

There is also another disturbing pattern here, namely about how the Administration responded to those who challenged its assertions. Time and again this Administration has actively sought to attack and undercut those who dared to raise questions about its preferred course.

For example, when General Shinseki indicated several hundred thousand troops would be needed in Iraq, his military career came to an end. When then OMB Director Larry Lindsay suggested the cost of this war would approach $200 billion, his career in the Administration came to an end. When U.N. Chief Weapons Inspector Hans Blix challenged conclusions about Saddam's WMD capabilities, the Administration pulled out his inspectors. When Nobel Prize winner and IAEA head Mohammed el-Baridei raised questions about the Administration's claims of Saddam's nuclear capabilities, the Administration attempted to remove him from his post. When Joe Wilson stated that there was no attempt by Saddam to acquire uranium from Niger, the Administration launched a vicious and coordinated campaign to demean and discredit him, going so far as to expose the fact that his wife worked as a CIA agent.

Given this Administration's pattern of squashing those who challenge its misstatements, what has been the response of this Republican-controlled Congress? Again, absolutely nothing. And with their inactions, they provide political cover for this Administration at the same time they keep the truth from our troops who continue to make large sacrifices in Iraq.

This behavior is unacceptable. The toll in Iraq is as staggering as it is solemn. More than 2,000 Americans have lost their lives. Over 90 Americans have paid the ultimate sacrifice this month alone - the fourth deadliest month since the war began. More than 15,000 have been wounded. More than 150,000 remain in harm's way. Enormous sacrifices have been and continue to be made.

The troops and the American people have a right to expect answers and accountability worthy of that sacrifice. For example, 40 Senate Democrats wrote a substantive and detailed letter to the President asking four basic questions about the Administration's Iraq policy and received a four sentence answer in response. These Senators and the American people deserve better.

They also deserve a searching and comprehensive investigation about how the Bush Administration brought this country to war. Key questions that need to be answered include:

* How did the Bush Administration assemble its case for war against Iraq?

* Who did Bush Administration officials listen to and who did they ignore?

*How did senior Administration officials manipulate or manufacture intelligence presented to the Congress and the American people?

* What was the role of the White House Iraq Group or WHIG, a group of senior White House officials tasked with marketing the war and taking down its critics?

* How did the Administration coordinate its efforts to attack individuals who dared to challenge the Administration's assertions?

* Why has the Administration failed to provide Congress with the documents that will shed light on their misconduct and misstatements?

Unfortunately the Senate committee that should be taking the lead in providing these answers is not. Despite the fact that the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee publicly committed to examine many of these questions more than one and a half; years ago, he has chosen not to keep this commitment. Despite the fact that he restated that commitment earlier this year on national television, he has still done nothing.

At this point, we can only conclude he will continue to put politics ahead of our national security. If he does anything at this point, I suspect he will play political games by producing an analysis that fails to answer any of these important questions. Instead, if history is any guide, this analysis will attempt to disperse and deflect blame away from the Administration.

We demand that the Intelligence Committee and other committees in this body with jurisdiction over these matters carry out a full and complete investigation immediately as called for by Democrats in the committee's annual intelligence authorization report. Our troops and the American people have sacrificed too much. It is time this Republican-controlled Congress put the interests of the American people ahead of their own political interests.

Non-Republicans Behaving Badly

Riley from Monroe sent me an email asking if I could blog about bad people other than Republicans for a change. He particularly likes it when I talk about hobags in Vegas, but I don’t have any hobags stories to tell lately. Anyway, Riley is having nightmares about neocons and needs to know that there are other bad people out there, other than Republicans. “It just makes the world seem too left and right, I need something a little ambidextrous,” Riley wrote. Well Riley from Monroe, I’m happy to oblige. I’ll tell the story of Chickpea, an Independent.

Chickpea is not his real name, that’s what his employees call him behind his back. He’s the type of boss who takes credit for his employees work, leaves early every day, takes two hour lunches, cruises the internet for four hours while his team is doing his work and, pits employees against each other by spreading false information.

Recently, one of his top employees wrote a very lengthy dissertation about employee compensation, using citations that date back to the Roman times, and evoking Keynesian economics. It took her days to write. Maybe weeks. Chickpea presented this presentation to the executive ranks of the company during a quarterly strategy meeting. Someone in the meeting commented on how well-written it was, and Chickpea thanked him, as if he had written it. He never mentioned the employee’s contribution, and now that employee has decided to look for a new job. Chickpea doesn’t know this, nor will anyone on his team ever tell him.

In fact, Chicpea doesn’t know that every member of this team is looking for a job One day soon, Chickpea’s team will have 100% turnover. This is what happens to Independents. They end up alone. People resent them for not taking responsibility, or for taking responsibility for things they didn’t do.

Sleep tight, Riley. And don’t’ forget, in November, vote for a Democrat.

Random Thoughts on Current Events

I’ve had the misfortune of reading blogs where the blogger goes into detail about their physical ailments, like constipation, or oozing wounds. Not to be one of them, but I’ve had a nasty allergic reaction to shellfish, which resulted in a rash where the hives look like major GOP players. I think there is a god and I’m in trouble. Most disturbing was the welt that resembled Condi Rice but morphed into Kevin Spacey (who I think may be a Dem). Then there was the welt that resembled W inappropriately placed on my inner thigh. Dick Cheney’s doppelganger welt is very stubborn and insists on spreading up my side. I think that welt is out to kill me. These welts don’t react well to the steroids my doctor gave me. Just like a Republican, they have a get out my sandbox mentality. Unfortunately, none of my welts resemble my heroic senator, Harry Reid. He’s my new Jimmy Carter, except he can be really mean, which is great.

As a result of my illness, I haven’t been blogging like I should, but good lord, do I have some things to say. First off, Harry Reid is a hero. Let me rephrase: Harry Reid kicks ass. Is he too old to run for President. I like Hillary just fine, but Harry has balls of steel. This country needs him and to think, he’s my senator. I want him and my other favorite senator, Barbara Boxer, to marry and spawn litters of little hell-raising democrats.

Thank you, Harry, for drawing attention back to the crime at hand, the swampland in Iraq story that the W administration sold to this country. Rove is off his game. He thought that he could get the focus off Plamegate by having W announce that Sam Alito is his new nominee. And by the way, when that fails, haul out the Avian bird flu pandemic to get people riled up. Look, I’m a professional hypochondriac. At Christmas, my team of doctors send me cards saying, “thanks for putting my children through Harvard.” Even I’m not freaked about this bird flu thing, yet. When dead birds start showing up on my doorstep, I’ll do the logical thing and freak out, but in the meantime, what I really want to know is why do the leaders of our country think that personal retaliation is, what’s that word they like . . . oh yeah, Christian.

W, you screwed up again, little buddy. When you nominated Alito, you galvanized the Left who are pissed off that your people are hell bent on taking away our right to chose. W punkin’, there’s a word for you and your kind: evil. Immoral. Jackasses. Okay, that’s three words. SOBs. 4 words. Arrogant, self-righteous, hypocrites. I’m losing count.