I have spent the last week flying from Vegas to NYC and back, then Vegas to Savannah and back, and I learned something interesting: it is a Federal Aviation REQUIREMENT that babies and other small children be seated in the row beside me, or in front or behind me. If I am in an aisle seat, the baby may sit in the seat across from mine. There are more rules and regulations to this requirement:
1. Babies on the Plane must spend the entire trip screaming, wailing, crying or babbling at the top of their lungs incoherently.
2. In case the plane hits turbulence, the babies on the plane must erupt ear-splitting screeches.
3. Babies on the plane MUST soil their diapers during take-off or in cases of extreme turbulence when their mothers cannot attend to their needs. The stench must be strong enough to reach my nose.
4. Babies, and/or small children seated behind me must kick the back of my seat often. Under no circumstances are their parental unit to scold or admonish them. A gentle shush to show that they really don't mean it is permissible but not required.
5. Toddlers and small children seated in front of me are required to turn around and stare at me, wave pointlessly, and pester me by saying, "hey," throughout the trip. If I am not annoyed, if my blood pressure has not risen, the child is required to take things up a notch. Try throwing up on me.
6. Toddlers and small children seated behind me are required to reach over the top of the back of my chair and pull my hair. Pull it hard or it does not count.
7. Again, and this is extremely important, parental units of babies, toddlers, and small children must NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES admonish or scold the children. A gentle shush is permissible but by no means required.
8. Flight Attendance witnessing babies on the plane and/or children and/or toddlers doing any of the above must gush over how cute the children are then give me a dirty looking for passively yet aggressively complaining to myself aloud.
9. Parental Units must say loud enough for me to hear them, after I have groused out loud about their child unit, that some people just simply don't like children and isn't it a shame.
10. Babies on a plane are not allowed to sleep peacefully, behave, act right, or give hope to the rest of us that the human race will turn out okay.
11. AGAIN, and this is of utmost importance, parental units of babies, toddlers, and children behaving badly must do absolutely nothing. Act helpless, act cute, and above all, ignore the fact that planes are a bad place for small children as they disrupt the flights of those who have paid hard-earned, sometimes large sums of money to take that flight. You are also required to ignore the fact that having a baby means your life has changed, in the same way your life would change if you were sent to prison, and your freedom is limited. Instead, book your next flight with your bratty child as soon as possible, but first check with my travel agent to make sure that I am on that flight, and request a seat right next to mine.
