What is it with overweight women exposing their bellies? Maybe it’s a Vegas thing. We were at Bellagio this morning, waiting to be seated at one of the restaurants. Standing across from us we saw an all too common sight: yet another middle-aged woman wearing a cropped shirt. Her stomach looked like a sagging breast hanging over the top of her too tight jeans.
Are these women horny? Is this some sort of mating ritual? Do they worship Buddha’s belly but not Buddha? Or maybe their deity is a fertility goddess? Most importantly, do they honestly think this is attractive? New rule: our bodies aren’t beautiful unless we are on the cover of Shape magazine. If that insults you, good, I’m happy. That means on some level, you are guilty of exposing your fat belly in public. Shame on you.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Is this slogan really a secret code for: go ahead, dress like a fat tramp. We won’t tell.
Well, I’ll tell. I’ll tell right here.
January 28, 2005
January 23, 2005
Not Your Daddy’s Same Old Neocon
In last Thursday’s inaugural speech, Bush proclaimed that the main goal of his second term would be the promotion of democracy “in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world.” This, of course, is a key neoconservative goal.
Robert Kagan, a leading exponent of neocon philosophy said, “it would be hard to express it more clearly. If people were expecting Bush to rein in his ambitions and enthusiasms after the first term, they are discovering that they were wrong.”
Mr. Kagan, is there anyone out there who actually thought that Bush would rein in his ambitions during the second term? This is precisely why we didn’t want him reelected. The man has a serious Jones going for spreading HIS agenda throughout the world. Bush will not be happy till Osama is wearing cowboy boots and having dinner with Jesus.
Bush hasn’t always been such a neocon. It took him the better part of his first term to learn how to spell it, and since he doesn’t read, that posed a challenge. Then there was the whole thing about the true definition of neocon. That took some explaining!
When he first ran for president in 2000, Condoleeza Rice, then his top foreign policy advisor, wrote an article promising that Bush would pursue a modest, limited foreign policy, and criticized the attempts at democratization and "nation-building" of the Democratic administration of President Clinton. Uh-huh. Like Clinton invaded Kosova because it was the epicenter of terrorist intentions against the USA. Ah, if only he had picked up Clinton’s zealous habits, cigar stomping young plump interns, groping skanky office assistants and flight attendants.
Even Rice, the only black lesbian to be a Republican in history, is confessing her boy’s true intentions. At her confirmation hearings this week, Rice named six countries as "outposts of tyranny" that needed to tow the line or incur the wrath of the Bush administration: Cuba, Burma, North Korea, Iran, Belarus and Zimbabwe. Look, I think North Korea and Iran need a nice kick in the ass, but I can’t tell you how thrilled I am about Belarus. That’s all anyone ever talks about these days. Belarus, Belarus, Belarus. It’s the Marsha Brady of the tyrannical world. Question: if we’ve moved from an axis of evil to six countries, what’s the new name for this? Six maux selon Bush?
Robert Kagan, a leading exponent of neocon philosophy said, “it would be hard to express it more clearly. If people were expecting Bush to rein in his ambitions and enthusiasms after the first term, they are discovering that they were wrong.”
Mr. Kagan, is there anyone out there who actually thought that Bush would rein in his ambitions during the second term? This is precisely why we didn’t want him reelected. The man has a serious Jones going for spreading HIS agenda throughout the world. Bush will not be happy till Osama is wearing cowboy boots and having dinner with Jesus.
Bush hasn’t always been such a neocon. It took him the better part of his first term to learn how to spell it, and since he doesn’t read, that posed a challenge. Then there was the whole thing about the true definition of neocon. That took some explaining!
When he first ran for president in 2000, Condoleeza Rice, then his top foreign policy advisor, wrote an article promising that Bush would pursue a modest, limited foreign policy, and criticized the attempts at democratization and "nation-building" of the Democratic administration of President Clinton. Uh-huh. Like Clinton invaded Kosova because it was the epicenter of terrorist intentions against the USA. Ah, if only he had picked up Clinton’s zealous habits, cigar stomping young plump interns, groping skanky office assistants and flight attendants.
Even Rice, the only black lesbian to be a Republican in history, is confessing her boy’s true intentions. At her confirmation hearings this week, Rice named six countries as "outposts of tyranny" that needed to tow the line or incur the wrath of the Bush administration: Cuba, Burma, North Korea, Iran, Belarus and Zimbabwe. Look, I think North Korea and Iran need a nice kick in the ass, but I can’t tell you how thrilled I am about Belarus. That’s all anyone ever talks about these days. Belarus, Belarus, Belarus. It’s the Marsha Brady of the tyrannical world. Question: if we’ve moved from an axis of evil to six countries, what’s the new name for this? Six maux selon Bush?
January 22, 2005
What Airline Would Jesus Fly?
Okay, the "Comments Weekend" contest is being called early. My buddy Sean sends in this wild but sad and true story from LA. Rather than let it sit in the Comments section where you might not read it, I decided to place it in a post. For your reading pleasure, here's his story:
What Airline Would Jesus Fly?
It was any gay couple’s worst nightmare; stuck in the George Bush International Airport for nine hours. Thank GOD we had Gilmore Girls Season 2 DVD’s on Rob’s laptop with dual headphones. We set up camp in front of the Barnes and Noble (a retail beacon for homosexuals worldwide) and used our complimentary “we’re sorry we messed up your flight royally” meal vouchers (a whopping $6 each) on Starbucks coffee.
That lasted two hours.
We asked if we could go to the President’s Club to relax and were told it was for members who pay for the privilege, not for people who miss their flight. The truth is we didn’t miss our flight. The airline screwed up our connection and after an hour at the “customer service” desk, we were able to secure seats on a flight nine hours later. But the customer service rep kept insisting we missed our flight. How could an equipment delay be our fault? But he just stuck with that story over and over. “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do for people who miss their flights. I’m sorry you missed you flight.” Robotically repeating the same lie regardless of the obvious facts and I thought- he sounds like a Republican.
It occurred to me then that our Las Vegas based, Democrat fanatic friend Donna may actually be right. There are evil minions afoot in this country, a Republican Conspiracy targeting intelligent people (well… Democrats) in a coordinated effort to make our lives a living hell. The problem is, these automatrons act so dumb and smile so big, it’s hard to pin them down for the devious creatures they really are.
After sitting in the terminal people-judging (I mean, people-watching), a few rounds of the he’s-cute-do-you-think-he’s-gay game, and two trips outside and back through security for a lousy cigarette, we wasted seven more hours and were ready to board our flight out of the red state and back to civilization. Los Angeles. An expert at getting the most out of anyone behind a counter, Robert was upgraded to first class. I had a nice seat in coach on an exit row (a.k.a. the “no children” row) so I couldn’t complain. But I did.
“Why are we being delayed?” I asked my flight attendant with the Tammy Wynette hair and cheap, fake nails. We’d been sitting on the plane 30 minutes at the gate after our take-off time. Hell, we already waited nine hours. I was ready to go home.
“Oh, we’re not delayed, honey,” she lied in her thick, Texas accent, “we’ll make up the time in flight.”
Unconvinced, I asked if I could see my partner in first class to tell him to call our ride and let them know we’d be late. “You’re, uh.. partner?” she asked, mascara eyelashes fluttering.
“Yeah, he’s in first class.” I started to get up. “You need to stay in your SEAT, sir,” she said sternly. I went from “honey” to “sir” in one swift mention of the word “partner.” Here we go, I thought.
We waited an additional 30 minutes when the pilot’s voice finally came on informing us they were delayed due to late luggage. They’d hold a plane an hour for late luggage, but not 15 minutes for us; two late passengers trying to make a connection nine hours earlier? Hmmmm.
Was there a conspiracy here? The longer we stayed in Houston, the more apparent it seemed to become. I hit my flight attendant light and a squat blonde girl with a gold cross dangling below her chins came over to me.
“If we’re going to be an hour late, I want to let my ride in LA know that, but my partn- uh, my friend in first class has the cel phone. I just need to get it from him.”
“Oh, we’re about to take off any moment sir. You need to stay in your seat. I guess you must not fly very much or you’d know you may spend some extra time on the ground before takeoff.” Condescending little-. I decided to let it go. But they had already marked me for torture.
Once we were airborne and drinks were being served, I asked for a beer and a bottled water. The one with the chins told me I could get a beer now, and wait for the second beverage service for the water. What was that? She was serving with Tammy Wynette. They both smiled viciously. Later when I asked for a blanket and a pillow, the chins told me to just “sit tight now” and disappeared for an hour. I finally got up and found them both in the galley. I asked about my blanket and pillow.
“Oh, shoot,” she said in mock remorse, “I handed out the last ones just two minutes ago. You need to return to your seat, sir.” She turned to Tammy Wynette and they shared that secret, Christian Republican smug look.
We finally touched down and approached the gate. But before I could unbuckle my seatbelt, chins waddled over and handed me two little cards. “Here,” she said, “you need these.” They were Universal Designs “Pass it on” Message Cards. One read, “Put all of your sickness, your sins your disease in HIM and He shall lead you to the light- or else, stay suffering in the darkness in which you reside”. The other read, “If you confess with your mouth ‘Jesus is Lord’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
I guess they considered me sick, diseased, sinful and in desperate need of saving. While deplaning, I stopped at the door to ask Tammy Wynette if it was appropriate for airline staff to hand out religious propaganda to passengers. She looked at the card and said, “Well now sir, she was just being nice. Why ever do you think being nice is inappropriate?” I explained again that this was religious material. She fluttered her goopy eyelashes again and said, “Well, it says ‘God Bless You’ on our dollar bill.” It was like talking to a Stepford wife, I swear to Go- I swear to Calvin Klien.
Suddenly, she snatched the card from my hand (I still have the scar from her Lee Press On Nails) and quickly put it in her pocket. The senior flight attendant from first class came over to ask if everything was alright. When I explained the situation again, Tammy Wynette said to my amazement, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir.” Hmmm, bold faced lying. Is that a Christian value? Luckily, I had the second card with me as evidence and produced it for the senior flight attendant. “Oh now see?” Tammy cried, “He’s been a problem the whole flight and now he’s passing out religious materials!”
I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. Clearly she was hell-bent on implicating me in this heinous crime. Hmmm, false accusations and twisting the truth. Is that a Republican value? (Bill Clinton). The senior flight attendant seemed concerned and said she’d never worked with these two flight attendants before. I asked how I could file a complaint and she gave me a form. I asked for their names and Tammy refused to tell me. The senior flight attendant told her to provide me with their first names. She did finally, then she asked me for mine. “Quinn,” I lied “Q-U-I-N-N.” She wrote it down on something, perhaps to use in some Right Wing Christian voodoo ritual.
I still have the business cards as a reminder that it is not safe out there, and that as long as George W. Bush holds office, the conspiracy will continue to gain strength and grow. We were lucky to escape Houston at all. Next time, we’ll fly through Chicago. In the meantime, support Democracy, avoid the red states and ask yourself, seriously, “What airline would Jesus fly?” Then turn the other way.
What Airline Would Jesus Fly?
It was any gay couple’s worst nightmare; stuck in the George Bush International Airport for nine hours. Thank GOD we had Gilmore Girls Season 2 DVD’s on Rob’s laptop with dual headphones. We set up camp in front of the Barnes and Noble (a retail beacon for homosexuals worldwide) and used our complimentary “we’re sorry we messed up your flight royally” meal vouchers (a whopping $6 each) on Starbucks coffee.
That lasted two hours.
We asked if we could go to the President’s Club to relax and were told it was for members who pay for the privilege, not for people who miss their flight. The truth is we didn’t miss our flight. The airline screwed up our connection and after an hour at the “customer service” desk, we were able to secure seats on a flight nine hours later. But the customer service rep kept insisting we missed our flight. How could an equipment delay be our fault? But he just stuck with that story over and over. “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do for people who miss their flights. I’m sorry you missed you flight.” Robotically repeating the same lie regardless of the obvious facts and I thought- he sounds like a Republican.
It occurred to me then that our Las Vegas based, Democrat fanatic friend Donna may actually be right. There are evil minions afoot in this country, a Republican Conspiracy targeting intelligent people (well… Democrats) in a coordinated effort to make our lives a living hell. The problem is, these automatrons act so dumb and smile so big, it’s hard to pin them down for the devious creatures they really are.
After sitting in the terminal people-judging (I mean, people-watching), a few rounds of the he’s-cute-do-you-think-he’s-gay game, and two trips outside and back through security for a lousy cigarette, we wasted seven more hours and were ready to board our flight out of the red state and back to civilization. Los Angeles. An expert at getting the most out of anyone behind a counter, Robert was upgraded to first class. I had a nice seat in coach on an exit row (a.k.a. the “no children” row) so I couldn’t complain. But I did.
“Why are we being delayed?” I asked my flight attendant with the Tammy Wynette hair and cheap, fake nails. We’d been sitting on the plane 30 minutes at the gate after our take-off time. Hell, we already waited nine hours. I was ready to go home.
“Oh, we’re not delayed, honey,” she lied in her thick, Texas accent, “we’ll make up the time in flight.”
Unconvinced, I asked if I could see my partner in first class to tell him to call our ride and let them know we’d be late. “You’re, uh.. partner?” she asked, mascara eyelashes fluttering.
“Yeah, he’s in first class.” I started to get up. “You need to stay in your SEAT, sir,” she said sternly. I went from “honey” to “sir” in one swift mention of the word “partner.” Here we go, I thought.
We waited an additional 30 minutes when the pilot’s voice finally came on informing us they were delayed due to late luggage. They’d hold a plane an hour for late luggage, but not 15 minutes for us; two late passengers trying to make a connection nine hours earlier? Hmmmm.
Was there a conspiracy here? The longer we stayed in Houston, the more apparent it seemed to become. I hit my flight attendant light and a squat blonde girl with a gold cross dangling below her chins came over to me.
“If we’re going to be an hour late, I want to let my ride in LA know that, but my partn- uh, my friend in first class has the cel phone. I just need to get it from him.”
“Oh, we’re about to take off any moment sir. You need to stay in your seat. I guess you must not fly very much or you’d know you may spend some extra time on the ground before takeoff.” Condescending little-. I decided to let it go. But they had already marked me for torture.
Once we were airborne and drinks were being served, I asked for a beer and a bottled water. The one with the chins told me I could get a beer now, and wait for the second beverage service for the water. What was that? She was serving with Tammy Wynette. They both smiled viciously. Later when I asked for a blanket and a pillow, the chins told me to just “sit tight now” and disappeared for an hour. I finally got up and found them both in the galley. I asked about my blanket and pillow.
“Oh, shoot,” she said in mock remorse, “I handed out the last ones just two minutes ago. You need to return to your seat, sir.” She turned to Tammy Wynette and they shared that secret, Christian Republican smug look.
We finally touched down and approached the gate. But before I could unbuckle my seatbelt, chins waddled over and handed me two little cards. “Here,” she said, “you need these.” They were Universal Designs “Pass it on” Message Cards. One read, “Put all of your sickness, your sins your disease in HIM and He shall lead you to the light- or else, stay suffering in the darkness in which you reside”. The other read, “If you confess with your mouth ‘Jesus is Lord’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
I guess they considered me sick, diseased, sinful and in desperate need of saving. While deplaning, I stopped at the door to ask Tammy Wynette if it was appropriate for airline staff to hand out religious propaganda to passengers. She looked at the card and said, “Well now sir, she was just being nice. Why ever do you think being nice is inappropriate?” I explained again that this was religious material. She fluttered her goopy eyelashes again and said, “Well, it says ‘God Bless You’ on our dollar bill.” It was like talking to a Stepford wife, I swear to Go- I swear to Calvin Klien.
Suddenly, she snatched the card from my hand (I still have the scar from her Lee Press On Nails) and quickly put it in her pocket. The senior flight attendant from first class came over to ask if everything was alright. When I explained the situation again, Tammy Wynette said to my amazement, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir.” Hmmm, bold faced lying. Is that a Christian value? Luckily, I had the second card with me as evidence and produced it for the senior flight attendant. “Oh now see?” Tammy cried, “He’s been a problem the whole flight and now he’s passing out religious materials!”
I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. Clearly she was hell-bent on implicating me in this heinous crime. Hmmm, false accusations and twisting the truth. Is that a Republican value? (Bill Clinton). The senior flight attendant seemed concerned and said she’d never worked with these two flight attendants before. I asked how I could file a complaint and she gave me a form. I asked for their names and Tammy refused to tell me. The senior flight attendant told her to provide me with their first names. She did finally, then she asked me for mine. “Quinn,” I lied “Q-U-I-N-N.” She wrote it down on something, perhaps to use in some Right Wing Christian voodoo ritual.
I still have the business cards as a reminder that it is not safe out there, and that as long as George W. Bush holds office, the conspiracy will continue to gain strength and grow. We were lucky to escape Houston at all. Next time, we’ll fly through Chicago. In the meantime, support Democracy, avoid the red states and ask yourself, seriously, “What airline would Jesus fly?” Then turn the other way.
January 20, 2005
Comments Weekend!
What's bugging you? Is it the $40 million for W's inauguration? Does the wacky weather have you all wet? Are back-stabbing colleagues cutting too deep? Tell La Blogda all about it, just hit "Comments" below. First Place wins . . . gratitude -- and the admiration of a vast readership of, oh, say 30 people.
Or, if you are in the Vegas area, I'll buy you a drink at the lovely Stardust Casino.
Deadline: Sunday night January 23, 2005.
As for me, I'm super bugged by W's inauguration. I still can't figure out how people could have voted for him. He's arrogant to a fault, he sounds like someone's illiterate cousin from Texas (How come Jeb doesn't sound that stuipd), he proudly doesn't read, and his politics border on a monarchy (I'm being nice by using the word monarchy). Most of all, why are we spending $40 million on the inaugriation? Couldn't we buy something for the soldiers in Iraq? W is a low brow (and proud of it), can't him and a few select friends just go to Taco Bell, drive though, and call it a party? It seems wrong that a country so divided on a president has to throw him a damn festival. It's like honoring Beelzebub!
Or, if you are in the Vegas area, I'll buy you a drink at the lovely Stardust Casino.
Deadline: Sunday night January 23, 2005.
As for me, I'm super bugged by W's inauguration. I still can't figure out how people could have voted for him. He's arrogant to a fault, he sounds like someone's illiterate cousin from Texas (How come Jeb doesn't sound that stuipd), he proudly doesn't read, and his politics border on a monarchy (I'm being nice by using the word monarchy). Most of all, why are we spending $40 million on the inaugriation? Couldn't we buy something for the soldiers in Iraq? W is a low brow (and proud of it), can't him and a few select friends just go to Taco Bell, drive though, and call it a party? It seems wrong that a country so divided on a president has to throw him a damn festival. It's like honoring Beelzebub!
January 18, 2005
Evolution Arrives in Cobb County
By birthright, I’m Southern, though I haven’t lived in the Deep South since 1984. People often ask me, why did you leave Mississippi? I usually quip, why to get out of Mississippi, of course. Truthfully, it’s not so much a dislike for my home state that made me move. I just really don’t like the Bible Thumpers down there. Plus the bars close way too early.
Seriously, and pardon the pun, but Jesus Christ, were they all born in a barn? Case in point: Cobb County, GA. A federal judge Thursday ordered Cobb County school administrators to remove stickers in its high school biology textbooks that call evolution "a theory, not a fact," saying the disclaimers were an unconstitutional endorsement of religion.
To all the people who endorsed those silly stickers: evolution is a fact, and that’s a fact. So tear down your confederate flags, close your bible, turn on CNN (Please, don’t turn to Fox), clue into the globe and stop making a chump (or is that a chimp?) out of the South.
"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Dr. Martin Luther King.
Seriously, and pardon the pun, but Jesus Christ, were they all born in a barn? Case in point: Cobb County, GA. A federal judge Thursday ordered Cobb County school administrators to remove stickers in its high school biology textbooks that call evolution "a theory, not a fact," saying the disclaimers were an unconstitutional endorsement of religion.
To all the people who endorsed those silly stickers: evolution is a fact, and that’s a fact. So tear down your confederate flags, close your bible, turn on CNN (Please, don’t turn to Fox), clue into the globe and stop making a chump (or is that a chimp?) out of the South.
"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." Dr. Martin Luther King.
January 16, 2005
Ashlee Simpson isn’t on your list?
I’m probably the last person on Earth to know about the Rapture Index (again, thanks Betsy for pointing me to AndrewTobias.com where I learned about it), but wow, we have a grading scale for everything don’t we? The folks at Rapture Ready (how do they know they are ready and won’t be, -- cue dramatic music-- left behind?) have come up with an index to keep us informed as to where we stand with the Rapture. Right now, we are at 155, which isn’t as bad as it’s been (Whew! I’m going to Negril in April and I’d hate for the Rapture to ruin my vacation!) but, hey, you homosexuals good news, you’re only at a three because “every gay marry supporters looses support.” Huh? That’s what it says, I’m just reporting what I read. Even drug abuse only gets a “2.” Number 34 on the Index is the AntiChrist. In their legend, Rapture Ready (love the name) explains that this scores a 3 because the EU is looking for a new President. I DID NOT get the memo that the EU was evil. Could someone please forward that to me?
The categories for Supernatural, Satanism and Liberalism only score a 1. I thought the ACLU would score higher than a freaking 1! Come on, RR, give them a 2 and tie those bad dogs with Drug Abuse.
Is this site a joke that I didn’t get? If so, I’m going to feel real foolish.
The categories for Supernatural, Satanism and Liberalism only score a 1. I thought the ACLU would score higher than a freaking 1! Come on, RR, give them a 2 and tie those bad dogs with Drug Abuse.
Is this site a joke that I didn’t get? If so, I’m going to feel real foolish.
January 12, 2005
Earthquakes, mudslides, blizzards and really, really bad hair
The talking heads were discussing Nature all across the cable and network news this morning. Everyone’s wondering why the weird stuff is happening all at once, and, of course, the God Squad is convinced it is the end of the world.
What ever happened to the basic high school education the majority of the population (in the US) had? Since when is there a causal relationship between an earthquake in India and a blizzard in a fly-over state?
Were people this stupid during the Clinton years? Did the media pander so low in the past? I know they’ve been annoying for a long, long time, but really.
While I know that the Pineapple Express pounding the West Coast has nothing to do with the Tsunamis, what I don’t know is if there is a causal relationship between the rise of Evangelical Christians and really idiotic news reporting. I feel so insulted that the media has even gone there with this end-of-the world stuff. It looks like I’m actually going to have to start getting my news from E! News Daily. At least I’ll know what’s going on with Jude Law. Upside!
And speaking of causal relationships, in my next blog, I’ll discuss raptureready.com and its wild and wacky Rapture Ready Index. Has anyone seen my rosary? I feel a confession coming on.
What ever happened to the basic high school education the majority of the population (in the US) had? Since when is there a causal relationship between an earthquake in India and a blizzard in a fly-over state?
Were people this stupid during the Clinton years? Did the media pander so low in the past? I know they’ve been annoying for a long, long time, but really.
While I know that the Pineapple Express pounding the West Coast has nothing to do with the Tsunamis, what I don’t know is if there is a causal relationship between the rise of Evangelical Christians and really idiotic news reporting. I feel so insulted that the media has even gone there with this end-of-the world stuff. It looks like I’m actually going to have to start getting my news from E! News Daily. At least I’ll know what’s going on with Jude Law. Upside!
And speaking of causal relationships, in my next blog, I’ll discuss raptureready.com and its wild and wacky Rapture Ready Index. Has anyone seen my rosary? I feel a confession coming on.
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