Why do Republicans love kids so much? They smell. They are loud. They are only cute when they are your offspring. By the way, I’m talking about kids, not Republicans. If W had his way, no woman would ever be able to get another abortion, which means there are more kids around to annoy me. W, I know I hate you, but why do you hate me so much? Huh?
I’ve come to this conclusion: Republicans love to complicate things. For example, they love kids. Kids, kids, kids. Truth is, kids just aren’t practical to have around because they are so damn annoying. Name one parent you know who is not stressed. There. That’s my point.
So, since Republicans will be ruling the world for the foreseeable future, let’s do that old democratic thing and compromise. If you simply must breed, rather than do away with abortion, let’s keep it, but also institute a law that says if you have children, they can’t leave the house till they A) learn to bathe once a day, 2) learn to shut up and 3) can read and discuss the Iliad.
So W, I’m begging you, please don’t stack the courts with anti-abortion judges. Abortion is actually people doing the right thing: preventing the impact of their bad parenting unleashed on the world. Please, I’m begging you. Leave abortion alone. Go attack some country with faux weapons of mass destruction. Just keep the population of kids down. We don’t need them. They aren’t our future. They are our present pain in the ass.
Side note to the pregnant mom who was on the flight with me from NYC to Las Vegas on Thursday, August 4. You need to stay home, sweetie. You are six months pregnant, which means you had to keep hauling your fat belly up and down the aisle of the plane, which wouldn’t have been so bad if I had a window seat, but no, I was in the aisle. To make matters worse, you kept bringing your brat daughter with you who you obviously think is cute but the rest of us didn’t because she kept touching our arms with her dirty hands and smiling her little retarded child smile that parents think is so cute but that I always misinterpret as retarded. I’ve finally learned to stop asking, “What happened to your kid?”
I need you parents to tell me why you think your right to fly your children outweighs the rights of those masses of us who don’t want to fly with your screaming bratty kids. You are selfish, you have a big ego, and your kids are annoying. Add it up: stay home or drop the kid off at the orphanage for the duration of your vacation.
Side note #2, to the Mom at the Quest Diagnostic center on Buffalo and Lake Mead at 10:00 am Friday: your child was screaming nonsense and all you can do is give him a gentle “shush.” You have a hand, smack the shit out of the brat. I would do it – gladly – but I’d get arrested, which is a real shame. If total strangers could correct kids, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing away my complaints.
