Stop Honking Already

Dear West Hollywood Drivers,

I am terribly sorry that I do not turn right at red lights fast enough for you. It is rude of me to not pull out in front of that speeding car barreling down the street. You have a career that is going absolutely nowhere, and if only I would move, you would get nowhere sooner, wouldn't you?

I have been horrible to you. Putting my own safety in front of your busy schedule. When you honk, at no time do I ever think "What a moron. What a complete waste of skin. What an ass."

No, I think, "Oh dear, I'm keeping this important person from getting somewhere."

So forgive me. I will try to be as irresponsible and reckless as you are. I will speed up. I will charge in front of cars, making them slam on their brakes in an attempt to avoid hitting me, because it will help you get somewhere ten seconds faster.

Thank you for teaching me this valuable lesson.

Now kiss my slow ass.

When Republicans Pander

I have a phrase for female republicans: Dumb Whores.

So when I learned that McCain had picked a woman as his VP, this is what I heard: McCain picked a Dumb Whore as his running mate.

Okay, Dumb Whore is harsh. How about Not Thinking Things Through Clearly Female Who May or May Not Be  a Dumb Whore?

When I said I wouldn't vote for Obama, I never said I'd freaking vote for McCain. I think they are both terrible candidates. Awful. McCain is quickly proving to me that he can actually make Obama look slightly better just by being so patronizing to Hillary's staunch supporters. First, when he ran that ad about Obama having too much ego to select Hillary as his VP, I thought, okay, he's dead-on, but that was a bad move. We see through that. 

Then, when he ran the ad from the chicky (she doesn't get to be called a woman) who is casting her vote for McCain since Hillary isn't a choice, I thought, "Okay, I'm in marketing, and that is just stupid. No one will see through that."

Well, evidently, if the polls are right, 27% of Hillary supporters are voting for McCain. That's a lot of smart people hit upside the head with the dumb whore-stick. I think half of them are men, too, but as I said in one of my last posts, men (thank you John Edwards) get to be whores, too.

I just don't get why not voting for Obama means you have to vote for McCain. Ralph Nader is a good man, true to liberal ideals, in fact, much more true than Obama. I mean, if you don't want to do a write-in, fine, I understand, writing takes efforts. So check off Nader, or hell, do what 3/4 of my democrat pals are asking me to do and suck it up and vote for Obama, which at this rate I may be forced to do if McCain doesn't stop offending my marketing sensibility. Number one rule of political marketing: Connect with your audience. #2 Rule, Don't underestimate their intelligence.

So by picking a woman, McCain hasn't secured this girl's vote. McCain, you're horrible. You win today's Dumb Whore award. I had a sneaking feeling that despite the fact that I absolutely DEPLORE Obama and he bores me  beyond belief, and, and, I still don't know what he stands for other than a boring orator, you are clearly a worse  choice than him, simply because you are such a blatant panderer. Shame, McCain. Shame on you. And shame on the people on TV right now who are not calling a spade (or a dumb whore) a spade (or a dumb whore). I'm calling you out, old man.

The Rug Rats on Main Street Howl

In my post about my most recent religious experience, the Bruce show in Hershey, PA, I forgot to mention how many parents are bringing their kids to see Bruce. The kids, ranging from things no higher than my hips to teens, are really hard-core about Bruce, too. They know the words to the songs, and they do that OCD thing that kids do where they talk non-stop about something, in this case, Bruce. I actually thought it was too much Bruce talk, which is hard to do with me.

I also want to comment on the well-behaved East Coast female fans in the front row. Bruce did this thing where he knelt down in front of them, then leaned onto his back and sang. The ladies went wild. Crazy. They were rubbing their hands over his legs, but didn't go above the knees. They could have totally gotten a crotch shot, but refrained.

Our here in Whore Land, where the sluts and the buffalo roam, Bruce would have been felt up more than a choir boy. So ladies in Pa, my hat is off to you. Thank you for being respectable to our Rock God.

The Dogs on Main Street Howl

I saw Bruce Springsteen this week in Hershey, PA. He's God. Seriously. He's God. Big G and all. The man is almost 60 and he puts on a show that is just him and the band and all crazed energy and good times. No fancy lights, no dancers, no gimmicks. Just rock and roll. 

It's like having the perfect bar band experience, but in a stadium.

Why can't everything in life be as simple and great as a Springsteen show? Why can't Obama be Hillary? Why can't McCain be Hillary? Now that I think about it, why can't Hillary be Bruce? Why are we bothering with Obama and McCain as our presidential candidates? Let's put Slash and Bruce up there. We need Slash so I have someone to make fun of, and to be the bad guy to Bruce's good guy. Then Bruce would win come November 2 and we would have a great rock and roll president. Sure, he would be weak on foreign policy: though don't forget, during the Magic and Rising tours, fans overseas said that the only good thing about America was Bruce (only a true Bruce fan would get misty remembering that one). Yes, Bruce would probably suck on the economy, though he is rich and is one rock star that didn't piss his money away, so he must know a thing or two about making---and keeping---money.

So we would have a president who is weak on foreign policy and weak on the economy. Hey, we have that now. Bruce could at least write a killer song about how screwed up the country is. He could donate the proceeds to charity and save some poor children in some backwater area. He could clean up the alligators that are now roaming Florida streets (I swear, the news is down right Biblical these days. I'm on the verge of going Baptist).

Bruce, I love you. Seriously, you light up my life Debbie Gibson-style, you rock my world, and to paraphrase you, you're the one (allusion to a Bruce song here). Keep the tour going. Don't quit. I'll keep spending my money to see you. Thanks for a glimpse into the Promised Land (yep, another allusion to a song).

Giving fair time to men sluts

Yesterday, I posted about sluts, the female kind. John Edwards reminded me that it takes two to tango, and men can be sluts, too.

I use to like John Edwards, at least I did in the 2004 elections. I saw him at the Democratic debate in November in Vegas and I walked away thinking, "hmmm, he's a little slimy." Of course, after that night, I was a Hillary girl lock, stock and barrel. 

Then today, I was at the gym and on the treadmill, sweating in ways humans are not meant to sweat, when I looked up at the TV monitor and saw the headlines. For the next 45 minutes, while I lost water weight, I regained some of my memory: "Hey, I forgot how much I don't like this guy."

What kind of animal has an affair on his wife who has cancer? A sociopathic one who has no feelings.

I know a sociopath here in LA who is a huge narcissist. His partner is a lovely person through and through, yet this sociopath is not happy unless he's making that partner, and most everyone else, feel small. He cheats as easily as the rest of us breathe, and he thinks nothing of it. I thought he might be the world's most selfish person, until I learned this news about Edwards. Come on, your wife has cancer. This is how you show her you are there for her?

What Elizabeth Edwards does now is her business. Personally, if I were her, I'd grab him by the balls, twist hard and say, "F' her now, slimeball." But I've been there and done that.

We take vows in our lives to love and honor someone else. Even if we don't take vows the traditional way, our language is peppered with saying like, "I'm in a committed relationship." Those are words that are intended to mean something. But these days, relationships are evidently made of the same quality as Korean toilette paper.

A good man may be hard to find, but a hard man, well, he's in the voting booth right next to you.

A Note to the My Space Whore, and Sluts Everywhere

Hi,

It's been a while since I've blogged. Since Hillary is not the presidential candidate, I'm feeling unmotivated to write about big-ears Obama or that old guy who is such a dork. By the way, no one but me talks about W's cock-eyed eyes, are we gonna have the same situation with McCain and his teeth? Never mind. That's a whole other blog.

Anyway, a lot of strange stuff has happened to me in recent weeks. I stood in line for four hours for an iPhone. I feel stupid about that. I got laughed at by Jason Schwartzman, a movie star who is hot but no one ever knows his name except insiders. He lives on my block and saw me driving the Mini Cooper Loaner car that had a bull dog and the Hollywood sign printed on it. He's rich. He's a move star. So what does he do? Laugh at me. Yeah, that's the kind of life I lead.

What finally motivated me to update my blog is the My Space Whore who will not leave my adorable boyfriend alone on his My Space comments. She's Clairol-bottle blond (meaning, she's too poor for a good hair-dresser, she has to go to WALGREENS). She's either from Orange County or Georgia, what's the difference? She's a slut who thinks she is going to be an actress, though she's never even been in a play, oh, and by the way, she's thirty. Yeah, she's on her way. In her My Space profile, instead of saying she wants to make movies, she says she wants to make "Flicka's." Yeah, she put the apostrophe in there. You are getting the point. Flickas and all.

Before he met me, my boyfriend had fooled around with her a bit. He wasn't in to her enough for her to realize that if he liked her more, he'd have done the big monkey with her. Yeah, that's right. I said that.

Tonight, my adorable boyfriend  changed his My Space page Profile from "Single" to "In a Relationship." In the LA dating scene, that is  a huge deal. Then, he updated the part about Who I'm Looking to Meet from "girls" to general "people." Anyone who is his My Space friend, this slut being one of them, got an automatic Friend's update that read something like this: "Your friend, Binx's Adorable Boyfriend, has changed his profile." So what did that little blond whore, WHO WILL NEVER MAKE IT AS AN ACTRESS BECAUSE SHE IS THIRTY AND LOOKS SKANKY, do? She read his profile update, saw he had a girlfriend, and she left a slutty Comment. Again. She always leaves slutty Comments. This time, she did it to piss me off.

Slut, it worked. Was it fun? Because now you get to pay the price. Buckle up, Bottle-Blond with the bad bangs, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Do you get the allusion? Hint, it's from a "flicka." (Who says "Flickas" except rednecks????)

Listen up whores, you can't beat me; you've tried before, and you've lost. I've been fighting you off and getting the upper hand ever since that slut, Terry-what's-her-name tried to steal my (in retrospect) worthless boyfriend away from me in the 9th grade. I have a sharper tongue than any of you. I can out-write you tramps, I can out-diet you, out-dress you, out-Kiehls you, and so help me God, I'll out-slap you. Stop messing around with men that don't belong to you: mine or anyone else's. They ALWAYS tire of you because you are vanilla, you are boring and the best you can offer is vacuous flirtation. Let me ask you this: Who is Mrs. Dalloway? What is the Efficient Frontier? Explain the myth of the good-hearted whore? Can't answer those questions? Yeah, I thought so.

Okay, I've left the topic of just the My Space Slut. I'm tired of Sluts in general. Women are supposed to be the superior gender, yet sluts drag the gender down; they try to steal other women's men. I never did that. You know why? I'M NOT A SLUT.  Grandma and Mama raised me better than that! I have pride, I have Prada, I have a collection of Bruce Springsteen bootlegs which differentiates me from sluts! Sluts don't listen to Bruce--they listen to Bon Jovi---and if they do listen to Bruce, they don't get him. They think he's the guy who just did Born in the USA, and, and, and, they just want to screw him because he belongs to Patti Scialfa, a very, very good woman who is not  a slut. 

So I've had enough. The good girls finally get their revenge. Sluts, listen up: and this goes for you, you horse-faced whore who slept with my ex-husband (hah! now you are the one stuck with him! That is my revenge right there) sluts will be a main focus of my writing, along with Republicans and bad drivers, and abusive gay boyfriends (you know who you are). I will write about how screwed up you sluts are. I'll publish it, too, even if I have to self-publish, I will self-publish. 

Yeah. I said that. I'll freaking self-publish. That's how serious I am.

Back off Bottle-blond. You threw down the gauntlet, but I've got my eyes on you, and they are covered in Bobbi Brown.