It's been a while since I've blogged. Since Hillary is not the presidential candidate, I'm feeling unmotivated to write about big-ears Obama or that old guy who is such a dork. By the way, no one but me talks about W's cock-eyed eyes, are we gonna have the same situation with McCain and his teeth? Never mind. That's a whole other blog.
Anyway, a lot of strange stuff has happened to me in recent weeks. I stood in line for four hours for an iPhone. I feel stupid about that. I got laughed at by Jason Schwartzman, a movie star who is hot but no one ever knows his name except insiders. He lives on my block and saw me driving the Mini Cooper Loaner car that had a bull dog and the Hollywood sign printed on it. He's rich. He's a move star. So what does he do? Laugh at me. Yeah, that's the kind of life I lead.
What finally motivated me to update my blog is the My Space Whore who will not leave my adorable boyfriend alone on his My Space comments. She's Clairol-bottle blond (meaning, she's too poor for a good hair-dresser, she has to go to WALGREENS). She's either from Orange County or Georgia, what's the difference? She's a slut who thinks she is going to be an actress, though she's never even been in a play, oh, and by the way, she's thirty. Yeah, she's on her way. In her My Space profile, instead of saying she wants to make movies, she says she wants to make "Flicka's." Yeah, she put the apostrophe in there. You are getting the point. Flickas and all.
Before he met me, my boyfriend had fooled around with her a bit. He wasn't in to her enough for her to realize that if he liked her more, he'd have done the big monkey with her. Yeah, that's right. I said that.
Tonight, my adorable boyfriend changed his My Space page Profile from "Single" to "In a Relationship." In the LA dating scene, that is a huge deal. Then, he updated the part about Who I'm Looking to Meet from "girls" to general "people." Anyone who is his My Space friend, this slut being one of them, got an automatic Friend's update that read something like this: "Your friend, Binx's Adorable Boyfriend, has changed his profile." So what did that little blond whore, WHO WILL NEVER MAKE IT AS AN ACTRESS BECAUSE SHE IS THIRTY AND LOOKS SKANKY, do? She read his profile update, saw he had a girlfriend, and she left a slutty Comment. Again. She always leaves slutty Comments. This time, she did it to piss me off.
Slut, it worked. Was it fun? Because now you get to pay the price. Buckle up, Bottle-Blond with the bad bangs, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Do you get the allusion? Hint, it's from a "flicka." (Who says "Flickas" except rednecks????)
Listen up whores, you can't beat me; you've tried before, and you've lost. I've been fighting you off and getting the upper hand ever since that slut, Terry-what's-her-name tried to steal my (in retrospect) worthless boyfriend away from me in the 9th grade. I have a sharper tongue than any of you. I can out-write you tramps, I can out-diet you, out-dress you, out-Kiehls you, and so help me God, I'll out-slap you. Stop messing around with men that don't belong to you: mine or anyone else's. They ALWAYS tire of you because you are vanilla, you are boring and the best you can offer is vacuous flirtation. Let me ask you this: Who is Mrs. Dalloway? What is the Efficient Frontier? Explain the myth of the good-hearted whore? Can't answer those questions? Yeah, I thought so.
Okay, I've left the topic of just the My Space Slut. I'm tired of Sluts in general. Women are supposed to be the superior gender, yet sluts drag the gender down; they try to steal other women's men. I never did that. You know why? I'M NOT A SLUT. Grandma and Mama raised me better than that! I have pride, I have Prada, I have a collection of Bruce Springsteen bootlegs which differentiates me from sluts! Sluts don't listen to Bruce--they listen to Bon Jovi---and if they do listen to Bruce, they don't get him. They think he's the guy who just did Born in the USA, and, and, and, they just want to screw him because he belongs to Patti Scialfa, a very, very good woman who is not a slut.
So I've had enough. The good girls finally get their revenge. Sluts, listen up: and this goes for you, you horse-faced whore who slept with my ex-husband (hah! now you are the one stuck with him! That is my revenge right there) sluts will be a main focus of my writing, along with Republicans and bad drivers, and abusive gay boyfriends (you know who you are). I will write about how screwed up you sluts are. I'll publish it, too, even if I have to self-publish, I will self-publish.
Yeah. I said that. I'll freaking self-publish. That's how serious I am.
Back off Bottle-blond. You threw down the gauntlet, but I've got my eyes on you, and they are covered in Bobbi Brown.
