I open the bright red envelope, excited that my pal in Wisconsin sent me a card. I haven't heard from her in years. I have no idea how she got my address, but I'm glad; now we can be in touch again. Then, I see it. Two ugly children on the face of the card, wearing bad Santa sweaters and their faces stained with Christmas punch. The Baptist kind.
I place the card next to the one a co-worker sent me. Her kids are wearing white t-shirts and underwear. I'm not lying. One is squatting as if it were in the middle of the woods and needed to go to the bathroom.
Every year, I get these cards: Photos of people's ugly children. Miss Paris, my co-worker, has the good taste to dress her miniature dobermans up in Santa outfits. Those dogs are cute in red. The kids, though, oh God, the kids. If they aren't fat their faces are smudged with something. They beam at the camera as if to say, "Damnit, I'm cute and this photo is going to make your day."
Your choice of Christmas card says something about who you are. One year, I sent out a card of some Biblical guy standing in a room. Jesus stood in the doorway. The guy says, "Jesus Christ, shut the door! What, were you born in a barn?
That's says something about me, right? It sums up my attitude about Christmas, and hey, if my card offended my religious right wing relative in Memphis, so much the better! I call that an added-value Christmas card.
This year, my card said, "Naughty is the New Nice." Now that we are wrapping up the card season, and I count at least a dozen in my collection that have photos of kids on the front, I think of all those happy, loving parents I sent my card to, and I can only hope that their kids read the card and go, "Mama, I don't get it. What does she mean Naughty is the New Nice? Santa Clause doesn't like it if you are naughty, right? Can I be naughty, Mama? It says here it is the new nice."
I wonder how they will answer the question. "Don't listen to her, Junior. She's crazy. She never had children and it made her insane." Or, "She was just being funny but it doesn't work. Her humor isn't that good. She was always the last kid to be picked for softball teams."
It's no matter to me. My cards say I'm irreverent and have Christmas in perspective. Cards with kids on the front say you are a tad maniacal, because you think your fat, dirty kid sums up your life. Dogs in Santa suits are starting to look real good, huh?
